A Picture Worth A Thousand Words..

Eversince i came back from JS, everyone keeps asking me the same questions over & over again.. How was it?? Was it fun?? Isn't 6 weeks a bit too long?? sigh.. the same questions over & over again for the past 2 months.. no offense ya.. i jz wanna say it once & for all.. it was awesome.. really fun.. nvm.. i'll let the pic tell u everything.. ok.. ppl say a picture worth a thousand words.. he.. he.. any other questions jz ask away ya.. but dun ask the same one over & over again la k.. (not tht i dun like to answer but it's a lil pointless to answer a question for 100 times).. if u get wut i mean.. oh.. btw, 6 weeks is really short.. wish it was longer.. nway, JS is jz another sweet memory all together.. time to move on.. no point continuing to dwell in the past rite.. i think this is the last post from me regarding JS.. nway, the aim of this post is only to clarify questions.. no point repeating everything all over again rite?? he.. he.. over & out..

The VIPs in my life..

Many people have walk in & out from my life but not many of them have managed to carve their names in my heart.. i really appreciate what God has done and all His plans for me are truly wonderful (tho i dun really noe what other plans He has in mind but i'm sure it's really awesome).. nway, like i was saying I really give thanks to God for bringing this group of people into my life.. they're r some of the VIPs in my life.. i've many friends but i dun think i've many close friends.. this group of people are my closest friends, my youth group back in church, my childhood friends, and oso my prayer partners.. we can always count on each other to uphold each other in time of needs.. I might not be the richest girl in the world, nor the prettiest nor the most popular but i'm really blessed to have friends like them who's always there for me when i needed support.. honestly, i dun really noe wut i'll end up to be if it wasn't for their words of encouragement for me.. yes, truly they're great people, devoted, faithful and willing to humble themselves, i've truly learned a lot from them and it's great to see them growing up physically, mentally & spiritually.. however, they're not the only VIPs in my life.. they're a lot more others such as my family, my relatives & of course other friends.. but most important of all i guess at the very end, i'll have to say that the most important person or 3 person of all is my one & only Father, Son and Holy Spirit in heaven.. why am i talking bout this?? he.. he.. coz i've nth better to do.. and i'm fed up of my assignments..& oso a reminder for myself tht i'm a very blessed child..

Good Friday!!!

Jesus died on the cross at 2 p.m. today.. sob.. sob.. no idea y i alwiz feel depressed on good friday & i can't help noticing that the weather is also very depressing on good friday.. throughout the years, i've noticed that it'll be very dark, gloomy & somtimes it'll be a heavy downpour from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m every good friday.. the sky will be very dark & dark clouds will be hovering right above us in that 2 hours.. well, the whole nation should be sad because of wut Jesus did for us.. His unfailing love for us has cost him everything including His life.. sometimes i would wonder if it's worth it or r we worthy of all that He has done for us.. who r we that He should die for us?? who r we to claim His life & ask Him for forgiveness for every sin we've committed?? Who r we to judge others when God Himself gave us so many second chances?? what hv we done to deserve the rights to be called sons & daughters of God?? if God were to question us like that at the end times, how many of us will actually pass the test & proceed to heaven to be with Him eternally?? i really thank God that He's ever loving & ever forgiving.. & that He's alwiz giving us second chances so that we'll learn from our mistakes & nvr repeat it over & over again.. I'm ever grateful that on this solemn yet blessed occasion He has died for us & won our life back from hell for us.. after all He has done for me, i can't help asking myself wut I've done for Him.. wut have i done for Him?? pretty much nth i can think bout rite now.. other than serving in the church in wutever area i can, helping others with minor stuffs, otherwise it's nth at all.. I wish i could hv done more.. but i guess at the end it all comes down to how much u LOVE Him & how much u TRUST in Him.. humans would tend to judge other humans by their appearance but our ONE & ONLY LORD JESUS CHRIST looks at our hearts..

Further & further away..

It's been a month plus since JS is over & 2 weeks of uni cum college life has just gone by.. i realize that i'll nvr be able to relive the whole perfect community we had druing the 6 weeks of JS.. those were the happiest & most care-free days of my entire life.. coming into uni, college, wutever u call it.. things r so different.. it's ur choice whether to study anot or to go for classes or not to go, it's alll up to u.. it's freedom & it's really relaxing & enjoyable & a lil stress of assignments jz to add some colours into things but otherwise it's supposed to be the best days of a teenage life.. but.. i can't help feeling a lil weird & off track.. it's cool & all, i've great classmates, they're funny, smart, hardworking & in 1 word, damn 'cun' & all but sth is jz missing.. i dun feel the sense of belonging, neither do i feel wanted.. although we laugh & talk & tease but i jz can't help feeling a lil lonely there.. sobz.. y is this feeling taking over?? back in church.. church used to be my haven, a place where i alwiz feel secure, a place where i could alwiz count on.. the ppl there r totally cool & nice, my childhood frenz r there, my best frenz r there & most of all, the ppl in church would nvr betray me & we watched out for each other.. it's like my second home.. however, recently, i jz can't help feeling lost in church & among my youths.. i jz dun feel like we're a big family anymore.. yes, no doubt we still laugh & play & discuss & watch out for each other as usual, but.. like i said earlier there's jz sth missing.. there's sth seriously wrong with me.. the good old days with the MYFers were so cool & we had so much good & bad times together that ic ould nvr forget all the days of my life, how God has been so good & real to us & all the troubles we've got into & how we all stuck together & finally got out of it.. we've been through so much that it's jz so weird that now, we seemed so distant.. it's jz so sad to think that i'm drifting away from them & in a year plus, i'll be leaving for California.. sobz.. that's gonna so do some damages to our relationship.. i can tell.. well, easter's coming round the corner & we've the youht alpha thingy to complete & i'm as lost as ever.. lost as in dun really noe wut is goin on & dun feel like i'm part of it although my conscience tells me i am part of it.. urghh.. it's so confusing & it's so depressing.. it's not that i'm freakingly desperate for attention cz i attention hv been given to each & everyone of us, it's jz that i dun feel that i belong anymore.. the feeling is like when ur parents tell u now that u're an adopted child.. it hurts & i feel really depressed.. i really luv my frenz.. i luv the MYFers.. i luv everyone in church but things jz seem so different now.. or rather, i am a different person all together.. & my view & perspective of a perfect life has changed over the past few months.. this is jz so weird..

New Beginning, New Life...

Finally the decision hv been made.. sigh.. well, at least something is done & now it's all over with.. so, i started uni life on tuesday which was yesterday, officially.. currently studying in TPM (Technology Park Malaysia).. it's so new & it's super big.. the whole campus covers the grounds of the whole park.. they're so many government & private research companies in there oso.. well, since this uni or academy is newly established & it's a semi government sorta thing, i jz hope tht it's up to par.. but honestly, it's not the academy here tht i'm interested in goin, i'm looking forward to the end of nex year where i'll be continuing my studies in California State Polytechnic University, Pomona.. i'm goin to spend 4 years there.. 2 years studying + 1 year internship + 1 year job placement.. it's so cool tht i'm given an oppurtunity to work in california.. tht totally makes up for the outrageously horrible results i got.. i jz hope i do really well in my degree so tht i'll be able to apply to a well established company there.. at least i'm doin wut i wanted to do.. sigh.. my first choice was supposed to be pharmacies.. but too bad i can't make tht a dream come true cz with my results, i couldn't even get close to realizing this dream.. so, it's biotech, my second choice.. well, even so, i barely scrape through for biotech.. applied for SIT but they offer me food tech instead cz i couldn't make the requirements for biotech.. UCSI offered biotech but it's all local, TPM offered me biotech & it sounds really appealing, KDU offered me a conditional offer to do Biomedic but if i dun do well, they reserve the rights to kick me out.. tht's way too risky.. not tht i would do badly but currently, my confidence & self-esteem is at the lowest, dun think it can go any lower..sigh.. it was a hard decision as my mum really liked SIT & food tech is an interesting course but it's placed 4th in my list.. but it's a twinning to australia, the country which i've alwiz planned to further my studies to.. it's really cool!! but all decisions r ady made.. it's california & i'll be gone for 4 years.. sobz.. it's so far from home.. so far from my family.. how am i goin to survive there on my own?? sobz..

Why oh why?!?!?

Sob.. This has been really a terrible week.. sigh.. i'm gonna start complaining again.. life is jz so dreadful yet i can nvr stop thanking God for all He has done in my life.. STPM results was just released a couple of days ago.. honestly, i really got the shock of my life when i saw my results!!! i was so so freaking disappointed with chemistry & biology.. i could hv so done better.. MANGKUK la!!! i was so speechless when i saw my results.. sobz.. my results really put me no where.. i can't go on with the course i want in Malaysia, at least not fully la.. my parents would most likely hv to send me overseas after my first year here.. i dun wanna leave!!! i'm afraid once i leave i wouldn't wanna come back!! there are too many things & people in Malaysia that i miss & cherish!! wut bout church?? family?? i'll be so alone!!! i'll hv to start everything over.. wut bout the different culture?? i noe i can adapt but i wanna stay!! it's all cz i'm super stupid!! i shouldn't even get results close to the 1 i got.. could've done so much better.. why did You let this happen to me God?? is this part of Your great plan for me?? teach me to have faith in You Lord!! i'm so lost!! i noe i should be getting over my results by now but it's jz not done.. this stupid results is haunting my every single thoughts.. i noe i told myself countless times to not look back & regret on the decisions i've made.. as much i hate saying it, i hate STPM!! it so ruin my whole entire life!! (a lil dramatic but that's how i feel now) sigh.. wut can i do?? where can i go??

Re-entry Stress!!!

Whoa!! This week has been a really tough week!! Who could have thought it would be so hard to settle down after 6 to 7 weeks of Jeremiah School! Honestly, i've been really having it hard.. I feel so lost whenever my family or whenever my friends talk to me.. It's like I'm lost in a world of my own.. I tried to listen & to think & to tune my frequency towards theirs but to no avail.. The more I try the more confused I become.. Sigh.. MYF, MYF.. I'm really proud of my youth group cause it's really a big encouragement to see how all of us grew together spiritually & oso physically of course.. But currently, I just find it a little weird when it comes to communicating with them.. All my mind could think about now is what I've been doing for the past 6 weeks in JS.. Whenever anyone ask about JS, I just can't help talking bout it.. It's good but the problem is I can't stop after that.. sob.. sob.. I really miss those times!! Then there's the youth alpha.. I can't help being worried bout the progress.. There r so few who turned up.. What exactly happened?? We've to really sit down & pray bout it.. If there's anything we can do, is to pray & leave the rest to God.. then there's easter coming up.. oh man!! just thinking bout the work load is freaking me out already.. a musical is really too much.. sorry guyz.. i really can't remember what i suggested but i think we should keep it simple due to the lack of time.. so sorry!! sigh.. results is coming out soon.. i've really no confidence at all.. i noe i did very badly.. but wutever izit, good or bad, i'll give thanks.. then there's the whole uni application thing.. i seriously have no idea where i'm heading.. i've this weird feeling to go into full time ministry & the feeling got stronger when i was in JS.. But i guess like what unc herbie hv been saying, we should study & at least get a degree b4 goin full time.. but still i need to noe my directions.. i'm so lost!! sigh.. i've nvr got good sense of direction.. there r so many choices & so many offers that i could think about.. this makes things even harder for me.. worries.. worries.. worries.. y can't i be the happy-go-lucky girl everyone thinks i am?? y can't i be happy all the time?? i hate it when it comes to decision making!! i hate to be left alone to think bout the worries in life! y can't i be the crazy girl i am all the time?? sigh.. how i wish JS lasted longer so i wouldn't have to come back & think bout wut i have to do.. it's just so sad that all good things always comes to an end.. i think i will go crazy even before uni starts!!

Back Home!!

Now that I'm back from JS, everything seems so different.. I'm having a really hard time adapting to normal life (as in life before JS).. I miss JS so so much!! I miss the big family of 45 we use to have for the pass 7 weeks.. I miss the lessons, the people, the fellowship we had.. JS is just like a dream that has came to an end.. It's like a snap out of fantasy world where everything was perfect.. Now, it's hello to reality, welcome back worries & gudbye perfect life!! There's just so much struggle in trying to cope with the normal work & normal way & style in doing things.. Then there's the youth alpha thing.. honestly speaking, i'm really really exhausted.. i dun even noe if i've wut it takes to lead or to help out for the time being.. i really hope God will help me through this.. JS was really a life changing experience.. It gave me a lot to think about.. It has also left me with a lot of questions which i would most probably not able to answer till the day i die.. but, i've surely grown in terms of spirituality & i noe i'm spiritually more mature now than i was before.. not sure if i'm mature overall.. back in reality, things seems to be more complicated & difficult.. plus, i think i'm diagnosed with a severe case of post-JS-depression syndrome.. i guess it'll take some time for me to get over it.. in the meantime, i guess praying that i'll achieve good result in STPM is something i hv to do.. sigh..

Jeremiah School

It's been a few days since I'm off from JS.. Can't believe that I'll be back in STM on sun.. It was great & all but I can't help complaining bout the food & the bed there.. the bed gave me backaches for the whole 3 weeks plus.. sigh.. but i really thank God for the friends & the mentors there.. wut would i do without them.. i really appreciate the company of my 2 best pals, i would be so terribly afraid to be there all alone in an all new environment.. i've gained much for the past 3 weeks in terms of knowledge & experience.. although i struggle to stay alert in some of the lectures, but by God's grace i managed to survive it.. i guess the part of JS which i cherish the most is the time of reflection & the quiet time we had.. that's when i truly experienced God & noe for sure that He's real & that He's ministering to each & everyone of us.. I had my own probs in JS.. for 3 whole weeks i struggled a lot to obtain peace of mind.. it was a terrible & a wonderful experience all together.. but i am really grateful cz i had so many frenz praying for me & Jesus guiding me through it.. He never lets me down & He never will.. i have to admit that the time i spend with God for the past 3 weeks is more than the time i spend with God yearly.. JS really helped me put my prayer & spiritual walk with God back in line.. well, i guess JS is not all that bad.. in fact i actually miss it.. wish i could write more bout it but i'm jz too lazy to type.. he.. he..

2006 is HERE!!!

It's really hard to believe that 2006 is here already.. All that has happened for the last few months is just like a dream that's long gone now that we're awake in this brand new year!! 2005 was a really thrilling, exciting, not to say crazy year that I don't mind remembering (except the part where I had to sit for my STPM that is).. Last year was the year where I truly realize that I could count on my frenz to back me up when I'm in need.. I truly thank u guyz a lot (deep down from my heart).. Nway, I'll be goin for Jeremiah School on the 4th of Jan (jz to inform my frenz bout it, u guyz won't be seeing me for a while ya) till the 26th of Feb.. I'll also be visiting Korea on the 27 of Jan.. The schedule seems really tiring but I know I'll have fun.. Now I'm just worried bout JS (Jeremiah School).. I can't seem to make myself thirlled bout goin for it.. It's like I don't even realize I'm going for it.. The whole thing is kinda weird but well, I hope that I could keep up with all the lectures everyday.. I haven't been listening to any lectures since Oct, I don't even know if I could stay alert for it now.. Nway, before I end this post, I would wanna wish everyone a joyous new year.. May everything goes orderly & well..

Merry X'mas & A Very Blessed New Year!!

Just feel like wishing everyone a blessed X'mas & a very blessed new year! It's been a long year.. Haven't really got any rest since STPM ended.. 1 week after the exam, I went to Malacca, then the next week I was in singapore, then there was the Youth camp we have been preparing & planning for since the beginning of the year.. whoa!! I didn't noe I could work & work non stop man!! It seriously IS tiring.. & after the camp there was caroling & christmas which was today.. sigh.. it certainly is a really fruitful year.. I can almost feel the change in myself.. physically & mentally & not forgetting spiritually.. I have to admit I've been a lil depressed this few days over some personal matters.. Well, it's not really solved yet but i'm not so depressed already, thanks to a certain friend.. Before the year ends, I just wanna take this oppurtunity to thank all my besties for adding so much colours in my life.. jz in case some of u blur ppl out there dunno urself, i'll jz name a few of ya.. there's the whole MYF in GMC i wanna thank, my bestest pal wen bin, christine, Jo, Rekha... too many to name all.. hope u guyz understand.. i really do appreciate u guyz & all the things we've been through together.. i might not be who i am today without u ppl.. & f.y.i, i'm not exaggerating.. to those of u who has been reading my blog so far, i jz wanna thank u so much & wish u guyz a very blessed christmas & a happy new year!! To all my besties, all the best in ur undertakings & may we be besties forever!! God bless!!

Freedom Tastes So Good!!

I've been waiting for this moment for way way way too long. Finally, STPM has come to an end! The past months of hard work & no fun is finally over! Now, it's jz a passing nitemare which i would never wanna remember for the rest of my life! During the last few minutes of my last paper, i kept looking at the clock, hoping that time will just fly by, although i noe that i wouldn't have the time to finish my paper.. After it was all over, I was so overjoyed that I went speechless for a second or so!! I went shopping with my mum straight after that & trust me, I didn't noe that I could buy so many things in so little time!! I went 'bankrupt' in a matter of minutes.. I dun blame myself coz I've never been shopping for a very very very long time!! Then, I watched so many movies in just half a day!! Wow!! I didn't noe fun could be so tiring but it was definitely worth it! All that's left to do now is to get a good rest & spend my time goin crazy in parties & camp.. There's also another option, which is to get a job.. Gross, the thought of work makes me quiver.. Well, I jz hope that time passes slowly when i'm having fun!

GMC's 50th Anniversary!

Oh man!! We do look ridiculous!!

This was rite b4 the dinner started!! We're suppose to be entertainers, i think..

My all time besties
Wow!! Can't believe it's already 4 days after Merdeka & the church's 50th anniversary.. The function was a total success!! Praise the Lord!! & to think that we only had 3 really decent practices.. I really had fun that day although i'm really actually drained physically & mentally.. But who cares!! I got to spend the day with my bestest frenz & most of all I get to spend 1 whole day with my Lord!! To think that my church is already 50 years old.. Oh man!! I'm really growing old!! Oh well, this was what happened to us on that day! Speaking of which, i'd better get back to my studies!! 2 more months!! arghh!!

Chocolatezzzz!!!!

Charlie & the chocolate factory was awesome!!!! Simply great!! Although Johnny Depp is a little freaky in there.. uhhh.. he looks like the ghost from christmas past.. & to think i thought that he's cool & all in Pirates of Caribbean.. oohh.. it's a good think i decided then that Orlando Bloom is the best among them.. he.. he.. but all in all, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory is a MUST watch movie!!! How I wish that factory really exist in reality not a fairy tale.. Freddie was so cute in there.. I dun mind living in a fairy tale if this is the story line.. hmmm.. I wonder if there's such thing as the land of fairy tales??? he.. he.. there goes my day-dreaming sickness again..

When tears fills ur eyes..

I'm feeling very very strange today. Actually, I think i'm feeling sad, unhappy, like something is missing.. Sigh.. They're so many people leaving Malaysia nowadays to pursue their studies.. My sorta close friend jz left M'sia today.. I'm really really gonna miss this fren a lot cz he's one of the few people who's willing to lend a ear to listen to me.. Like that's not bad enough.. Next month, my couz is leaving for UK.. I'm gonna feel so so lonely.. When is it my turn to leave the country?? I envy them cz US & UK are places that I'll nvr ever get to go to.. For a visit, maybe yes.. to pursue my studies there, is a definite NO!!! I wonder if i'll burst out in tears seeing my couz leave.. She'll not be back till year 2009 or 2010.. That's a very very long time.. we've nvr been separated for more than a 2 weeks b4.. Wut should i do?? I'm already missing her terribly now.. To think bout those happy moments we spent together when we're young.. Am I being childish?? I jz seem to be having 'letting-go' issues here.. There's nothing I could do, is there???

A Wasted Day

I spoiled the day;
Hotly, in haste,
All the calm hours
I gashed and defaced.

Till a new day
Heaven shall send,
Whole as an apple,
Kind as a friend.

-Frances Cornford-

Another wasted day on day-dreaming.. I've seriously no idea what's wrong with me.. I just love to daydream. Is that really a bad thing? Sigh.. I wonder if there's a cure for this??

My dreams!!!

I suppose everyone have a dream.. i've always dreamt of becoming a doctor until i realize that i couldn't stand blood.. gosh, if i hadn't came back for form 6, i would be in imu now.. doin medic.. oh, the horror (yea, i noe it's a little too dramatic).. well, at least that's 1 'sunny-side-up' for comin back for form 6.. at least i noe now for sure that medic isn't my thing.. anyway, with my 'to-die-for' results right now, i dun think i'll qualify in any uni for medic.. my short term dream now is to get over with STPM ASAP!!! STPM is really haunting me every sec of the day!! why oh why do i have to be torchered like this.. & i thought SPM was tough.. oh boy was i wrong bout that.. after my basic degree, i'll wanna go for mission work.. i wanna be a missionary!! it sounds scary but i'm waiting for the calling.. wut's more meaningful than to spent my lifetime devoting each & every sec of my life doin God's work (easier said than done, i noe).. Or perhaps I could board the Doulos ship & sign a contract of maybe 22 years or so?? he.. he.. well, that's a thought (perfect for those who wants to remain single & do God's work).. hey, i'm day-dreaming again.. better get back to my books.. STPM's jz round the corner!! i'm so so dead!!

Fairy's Song

Where the bees sucks, there suck I;
In a cowslip's bell I lie;
There I couch when owls do cry;
On the bat's back I do fly;
After summer merrily;
Merrily, merrily, shall I live now
Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.

-William Shakespeare, from The Tempest-

How I wish I could enjoy nature everyday without having to worry bout the realities in life.. Don't you?? The sun, the breeze, the birds singing ever so sweetly in the clear blue sky, the sweet smell of flowers that had bloomed jz the nite before.. Well, that's a thought..

Going Crazy!!

I've always loved the life of a student despite all the complains & the whining. However, when it comes to being a form 6 student, i can't help looking at life at a different point of view. Form 6 is really tough & there are moments when i kinda regret leaving SAM for form6. On the other hand, if i hadn't came back for form 6, i wouldn't have learned that much & i would be on the wrong course right now. There are times I wanted to give up & jz let go once & for all.. All this hard work nearly drive me nuts. STPM is jz round the corner & i'm not even 20% ready for it yet.. Although my life is in a mess right now, I really wanna thank God for being by my side all the time.. Without Him, my life would be totally ruin..