'No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.'

I was feeling all jumbled up with thoughts until a friend quoted this phrase a few hours ago.. it then hit me so hard that it really slapped me out of my own thoughts that hey!! he's right.. no one or no person is worth my tears and misery.. it's just that it's just so hard to put it into actions instead of just mere words.. i'm made out of flesh and blood and hey!! cut me or smack me, i'll bleed and i'll hurt and i'll most probably be screaming on top of my lungs for all who know me well.. but i guess i am trying really really hard to put the past behind me.. sometimes i do have my own naive thoughts and wishes but after all i've gone through, there's no space for naive and kiddish thoughts and actions anymore.. life isn't like what pop-up fairytale books states.. it's far complicated, cold, harsh and traumatising.. tomorrow might be another day but who knows what's gonna happen at the end of today.. guess that's life.. we'll never know if we'll get hurt today or tomorrow until we actually feel the pain of the injury..

For all who have been concerned with my well being due to my emotional and gloomy post these few days, i'm so sorry for causing any discomfort and worries.. i believe time will play it's part.. in the meantime, i guess all i could do is try to chill and not to let my emotions affect any1 else..

*still praying hard that things will work out for the better*

season change.. things change..

i still miss certain things.. things may change and tables may be turned on me.. wish i could let go already.. but.. i guess i sank in a lil too much to feel nth bout it.. if only feelings could be manipulated easily then i wouldn't hv to go thru all these now.. can't wait for summer to arrive.. another season, hopefully another change for the better.. considerations to be made, brokenness to be patched, decisions and alterations to be decided and made up, internships to be completed, basically, i'm positively sure everything will be different after summer.. jz hope it's for the better.. won't get my hopes up and ending up giving myself too much false hope but.. i trust God will help me thru, jz pray tht I wouldn't mess things up by being disobedient..

summer will make the difference!!

*still feeling sore & broken but trying hard to stand firm*

a tear is jz a laughter away??

there's been so much goin on these days that i almost lost track of how much i've been going thru and how long the whole phase is taking.. it's so hard to feel sad and hurt but at the same time have to pretend that i'm cool and chilling bout it.. can't really cry it out or scream it out.. so the other best alternative i guess is to smile and laugh it out.. at least if i laugh hard enough and tear, i would have a reason for crying.. being hyper and active in order to not think and focus so much on the hurts is really tiring.. but i really can't figure out another way except to tire myself and wear myself out to prevent unnecessary thoughts.. guess it does take a long time to recover from hurts.. i believe that time will play it's role and God will help me thru it.. guess in the end, there is not much external issue but it's jz if i can get over myself and my internal conflict.. this sucks.. i'm such a lousy and emotional loser.. needa be stronger to survive in a reality tht's harsh and cruel.. no more naive thoughts..

can't wait till summer!!!

*trying to return to my comfort zone*

~~over~~

the one month plus roller coaster ride has finally come to an end.. relieved yet at the same time i can't help but feel sad.. wish i have a memory eraser or a time machine.. that would be freaking darn cool not to say useful for moments like this..

*Yuen Mei is trying to put things behind*

helpless~~

i feel so helpless~~ certain truth sucks but.. i guess i'd rather know than to be ignorant bout it tho.. it was so predictable even since the beginning.. but.. i guess i was only human.. people really does silly things when they're not rational enough.. not regretting my decisions but still wishing for the ideal outcome..

some people say that life is a piece of cake.. life is a wonderful journey to embark in.. but i guess i've a different view to life eversince stepping foot into the State.. life is just one damn thing over and over.. routine routine and more routines.. probably it's like what certain people say.. life is never fair.. it is just fairer than death, that's all..

not really sure why i'm always flooded with negative thoughts here.. just can't wait to be home for good!!

MAIN GOAL:

FINISH UP MY SUBJECTS AND GRADUATE ASAP!!!

BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!!!!

may every1 be blessed and merry.. God gave His Son that HE may die for our sins.. how wonderful such love that we take for granted.. may the true meaning of easter prevail within the hearts' of HIS faithful followers at least..

*yuen mei misses Easter celebration back home!*

crossroads

i'm such a disappointment!!!!!!!

i'm so so sorry mum & dad, grandma & every1 who has their hopes in me!!

tht's just my limits.. i can't go any further.. i dun think i would hv done better even if i've studied any more than this.. it's really my best.. guess i'm jz not wut every1 expects.. i was fooled too into believing tht i was better than this.. so much for every1's faith and believe in me.. i dun even wanna start describing how bad i suck.. but for now.. i'm jz sad and guilty tht i've disappointed mum & dad and my family..

i'm so so sorry!!!!!!!!!

what am i to do now?!?! if i retake the subject, i would delay graduation for about 2 quarters.. am i to live with a sucky grade?? it hurts my eye to look at it.. it pains my heart to think tht my intelligence & effort is only worth tht much.. the fact tht i can't live up to people's expectations and my own expectations annoys me!! probably sum1 is jz very rite.. i needa get a life!!!

*lost.. paranoid..*

at wit's end..

finally lost it!!! lost half my mind studying genetics~~ and still screwed up for finals.. who on earth stares at a single paragraph for more than an hour?!?! arghhhh!!!!!!!! guess i'm jz glad is over and done for.. 1 down 2 more papers to go?!?! *sobz* if only i were home i won't be this stressed.. i miss home!!!!!!!!!!!

at the other end of the line...

something jz feels wrong.. doesn't seem right.. i guess it is wrong but.. i'm lost.. i dunno wut to do.. i dun like this!!!!!!! feels like i've totally lost control of my life and wut i'm doin ever since i'm here..

*stress poses all sorts of threat to my state of mind*

EXAMS!!!

FINALS!!!!!!!!!

i'm stressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & i think it's a lil too much to handle.. beyond stressed.. =( *sobz*

~yuen mei's screaming her head off to release tension and stress~

some more random pics~~

once upon a strawberry?!?! =pthe patch of strawberry plants at farmstore next to the university village..

Free strawberry ad?!?!

the siamese strawberry?!?! *lolz*

on the other hand..

hadn't much time to take pictures around campus to show many of u.. so sorry.. will upload more when i snap more?!?! *if i snap more that is.. =p* in the meantime, here are some?

the 'pointy' building!!! or so every1 calls it.. =p

nice nice smelling lavender..

i still miss home!!!!!!

decisions?!?!

am still wondering how would things turn out to be.. some things happen for the better, some just took place coincidentally and some just happens for the worst.. i wonder which will this turn out to be.. in the meantime, i guess i'm happy and comfortable with it.. guess it's really time to let past be past.. living the present without regrets and looking forward to a fruitful future?!?!

*yuen mei's thinking too hard nowadays* ~there goes her brain cells, as if she has any left~ =(

fragments..

some things happened.. i noe they did.. but i just can't remember what.. my memory is so fragmented.. a few screenshots and the rest a blur.. God!!!! guess that's how people who has lost their memories feel.. sighz.. everything seemed like a dream.. both sweet and bitter at the same time.. urgh!!!!!!!!! y do i feel that i don't control my own life??

i miss home!!!!!! nothing bad ever happens to me when i'm home!!!!!!!

i hate my sucky sucky life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

confused..

Am i too insensitive?!?! or am i overly sensitive?!?! how can a person switch from being cold to warm and back to cold in a matter of minutes?!?!? is that even humanly possible?? urgh.. it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me and the way i interpret stuffs..

AND

in the meantime.. midterms, assignments and reports are still driving me nuts!! last week has gotta be the killer week thus far.. 3 more weeks and my long awaited break shall arrive..

*yuen mei's trying to be really patient*

music~~ food to the soul~~

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

Victor Hugo

Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman.

Ludwig Van Beethoven

If music be the food of love, play on.

Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

can't believe i'm saying this but.. i miss my piano!!!!!!!!! i miss my pieces!!!!! i miss the music, the melody, the touch and the ring of my piano.. it has been a part of me for so long that more often than not i've taken it for granted.. frequently expressing my dissatisfaction and dread over how i hated practising day and night for exams.. but now.. i guess there wouldn't be anymore practising or wutsoever.. i haven't been playing the piano for one and a half month now!!! i miss it!!!!!!!!!! guess hitting the piano when i'm stressed is of no use over here.. =(

i miss my piano!!!!

random..

Random pictures eversince i've been in the states.. haven't been taking pictures much..

The ZHI MUIS aka housemates aka the 3 Bs (according to peng chuan =.=")

Other random pictures?!?!

here are some clues as of how my chinese new year went huh.. i miss CNY back home!!!! miss going to homes to pai nian.. hehe.. but anyhow.. i'm glad and thankful for supportive friends here who have been great help to the struggles that i've been through and which i'm going thru..

I MISS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

but.. won't be going back in summer.. but i promise i'll be back end of the year!!

people i miss all these while..

it's almost 2 months.. never realize how much i love everyone back home until i'm away from it.. made me realize how much i've always take things for granted and how ungrateful i was when i had everything..

my dear parents.. wouldn't be where i am and what i am without you.. *heart* i'll face every challenge with a positive mindset.. i promise..

the person who brought me up.. be safe.. you promised to watch me graduate.. i won't disappoint you~~

you guyz drive me crazy all the time but i'm missing you like nuts now.. how i miss fighting with you.. to sheng yong: i miss you very much!!! i'll always be here for you if you need me.. you can count on me just like i can count on you.. study hard ya.. academic stuffs should not get the better of us rite?!?!

missing you.. don't be such a cry baby k.. bet you're having fun exploiting my room. =p let me know if kor kor bully you.. i'll scold him.. *hehe*

my beloved angels who constantly drives me up the wall.. i miss you all!!! lets bridge again when i'm back.. be good ya~~

the apple of my eye!! breaks my heart when you stare at me as if i'm a stranger over the webcam.. thank God you recognize me eventually.. =)

my dearest abby!!! u would probably be really big when i'm back.. wonder if you would still recognize me.. *hmmm*

the greatest gift God has bestowed to me.. a group of great friends whom i know i can always trust..
the partners in bullying crime!! sorry for abandoning you.. will be back soon.. wait for me ya..
the victim.. i still miss 'bullying' you!!

you have no idea how much i miss you!! please fix your internet connection asap!! =(

i'll be back really soon!! missing my zhi muis!!! plan plan.. lets go somewhere!!! HOLIDAY!!!=p

urgh!!! i miss my family and friends too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =(

thank God for memories..

i'm depressed!!!!!!! confused!!!!! stressed!!!!!!!!!!!!

my very own thoughts are driving me crazy!! =(

too many things to complete.. too many things to think about.. my brain's capacity jz ain't enough..

~~ friends~~

some quotes for my beloved friends!!! long time since i've posted some decent 'literatury' posts.. =p

A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.

Frank Crane

When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.

Edgar Watson Howe

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.

Albert Camus

The best time to make friends is before you need them.

Ethel Barrymore

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

Arnold H. Glasgow

The road to a friend's house is never long.

Danish Proverb

Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too.

Thomas Fuller

Happy Valentines to all my beloved friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the beginning of the quarter..

it's the third day of official campus life at cal poly pomona and there's already like tonnes of readings to do.. tonnes of assignments waiting for me to get started on.. and homework piling.. and the best part, my quizzes and exams starts next week.. i haven't even time to start adapting and here they are already trying to kill me with workload.. the worst subject is political science!!!!! why on earth do i have to study bout the american government?!?!?! it's not like i'm gonna be a citizen here.. and it's not like i'm even trying to apply for PR here.. i've no clue what the hell the lecturer is babbling about.. and i can't give any opinions or views when he asks questions in class.. he luvs to question his students and heck.. i'm always in the first 2 rows.. sighz.. i can't sit at the back as the americans are tall and big ppl.. they'll just block my view and i can't allow tht to happen.. well.. at least i've plenty of things to keep me busy for the time being and it sorta takes my mind off home.. campus is really big.. dah la in TPM oso i can get lost in the library, over here i could get lost anywhere.. being lazy to walk is a thing of the past.. since my mum is way back in m'sia, there's no one else to fetch me where ever i wanna go.. and transportation sucks here, so i'll just have to depend on my legs i guest.. planning to get a car here with my frenz if it's not too expensive tho.. otherwise i'll just walk i guess.. it's kinda hard to walk in the cold, dry weather tho.. can hardly breathe.. sighz.. now it's jz back to reading, reading, and more reading.. wonder when will i complete so many articles and chapters.. God save me!!!!!!!! =(