Time Out!!!

This past few weeks have really been digging the life out of me.. i've no idea why i feel so tensed up & stressed up.. assignments were as usual, not really piling up, well, if it is it's cz i've been procrastinating again but tht's not the reason.. exams r over tho the few days b4 exams were pretty bad but i survived.. lecture time is quite dispersed so it's not really a problem but why am i feeling the stress?? it's stress overload man!!! the fact tht wut stresses me has nothing to do with studies really bothers me a lot.. sobz.. i really do hope i dun start losing hair again.. the symptoms of overstressed r revealing already.. restless nights, crazy diet, short term memory (as in really short), day-dreaming most of the time.. gosh.. i hope it would be over with soon.. i so screwed up my business ethics, psychology and critical thinking tests.. sobz.. and i can't even concentrate on my assignments.. i'm so dead!! sobz.. something mz be wrong with my brain.. took me 1 whole hour jz to get this post typed out.. tht proves how bad my condition is.. guess i really had it.. i need my 1 week break b4 i really go cuckoo!!! i guess all these stress are mainly bulit up cz of my own thoughts.. hv been worrying so much bout my grandma's hand & my mum's leg.. my mum hv been complaining of leg pain since last year but no doctor has came up with any remedies for it.. they dun even noe wut's wrong with her.. i'm a lil worried.. & then, she's telling me bout her not being able to be with me all the time really gets me all tensed.. sobz.. i really dun feel like goin off to california at all now.. not when both of them r like tht.. hope tht i'm jz worrying for nth.. couldn't bear the thought of them not being there for me.. probably it's jz my crazy thoughts & probably i'm jz stressing myself up for nth but.. i can't help it.. i noe it's crazy but i've alwiz wished tht there's only life and no death.. there are only beginnings and no ends, meetings and no farewells, hellos and no goodbyes.. God.. i'm really freaking sad.. i need a break! makes me feel damn useless.. dunno when i'll start breaking down, probably very soon..

~yuen mei~

When the sun never rise & when skies are always grey..

I have to say this year's church camp in Malacca Watercity was great and i have really experience much more than just an encounter with God. Pastor Cornelio, Pastor Deborah, Pastor Graham, Rev Kim and all the other camp committee did a really great job.. I was truly awed by the praise and worship we offered to God.. and I've witness deliverance with my very own eyes.. this year's church camp hit a target of 170 people and that's more than double of our annual church camp attendance and i truly believe tht God will bless us richly..
Although the church camp was great and everything was so uhmm.. spiritual, i can't help feeling bothered, sad ,and miserable.. the camp was great until my grandmother slipped and fell and fractured her arm bone.. i was really shocked, more to terrified when i heard that my grandma fell.. there's this aching and piercing pain in my heart.. i was really sad when i see her go thorugh all the pain.. i really wanted to share half of her pain with her if not all.. i wanted to cry but there was no tears.. wanted to scream but no voice came out.. wanted to be happy but was feeling hollow inside.. i've no idea wut to do.. i guess i luv my grandma more than i realize..
After tht incident, nightmares followed every single night.. nightmares if attending my grandma's funeral.. and nightmares of not being to see my grandma for the last time before she goes back to the Lord..
I DUN WANNA GO TO CALIFORNIA!!! i'm afraid tht i might not see her again when i come back.. i'm afraid of losing something or someone tht i care so much for.. i dun wanna miss the chance of having the last few moments with her.. although i noe she's in perfect shape now but still there's the worries and there's the 'missing-her' part.. sobz.. my grandma was the one who brought me up and the one who cared for me when my parents went to work.. i have spent all the years of my life with her and she plays a vital role in my life.. there wouldn't be any yuen mei if it wasn't for her..
God.. please dun take her away from me so soon!! sometimes i do wish tht i would be the first to die in the family so i wouldn't have to go through all the pain when someone dies.. kinda selfish huh.. but i really can't bear the thought of them 'going' first.. is there any other way tht i could see her face-to-face all the time in california?? i'm gonna really miss my family.. though it's another year to go before i leave but a year passes by in jz a twinkling of an eye.. i'll be gone by the time u noe it.. i dun wanna leave so soon!!!