Youth Quake 2006!!

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Cameron Highlands!!

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update!! updates!!!

hehe.. sorry for abandoning this blog.. if keat yee hadn't pestered me to update, i guess i would be the usual lazy me.. malas la wanna update.. there are so many things going on & gosh!!! it's damn hard to keep up!!! sad case huh.. errr.. let's see.. last semester ended & the new semester has started.. sighz.. last semester was a mess!! thought i could do better but well.. i guess the lecturers had the better of us.. especially a certain critical thinking lecturer!!! sobz.. she gave us all not only bad grades but a really traumatising nightmare that none of us would forget.. sad huh.. i've obtained a very very low grade of C+.. & guess wut??? that's like the highest score in the whole class of 30 over people.. surprising huh!!! i almost fainted when i got the news.. LITERALLY!!! thank God my frenz snapped me back into reality.. sobz.. i'm NOT a critical thinkier after all.. no wonder some even doubt if i had a brain.. now even i doubt my own brains.. nway.. this updating thingy hv to wait.. got someone else waiting for me to get sth else done..

~to be continued~

...Lost Without You... v2.0

y do things have to change?? how come they can't remain the way they are forever?? things doesn't seem to be at its sunny-side-up anymore.. things started getting bad since 2005.. well, there was a lot of work n studies was a major headache, not to say a pain in the butt!!! but, it was still manageable.. thank God, with His grace and mercy, i got through STPM alive.. results wasn't as gud as i dreamt, but good enuff.. that's all that matters, as long as He is with me, everything else doesn't matter.. as long as i have Him by my side, i noe that i would be ok n things would turn up eventually.. i just noe that He would not abandon me.. until recently.. not long after Jeremiah School.. things seem to be going great!! well, it's wut i think (very subjective, i noe).. then everything stopped.. it was like i'm caught in a time tunnel.. everything just stopped happening.. my urge to doing things wasn't there.. He wasn't there anymore!!!!!!!! y isn't He speaking to me?? hv i sin against Him? wut have i done?? i'm lost.. everything seems blank without Jesus.. i feel like an empty vessel.. left with just the shell, nth else.. pure silence and emptiness.. i felt hurt n miserable.. yet.. part of me was just lagging.. not taking any interest in anything.. faking almost all my thoughts and expression.. i guess i felt God was abandoning me.. without realizing that it was vice-versa.. i'm useless.. i noe.. helpless and useless.. it does makes me think if i'm worthy of all that He has done for me.. i wish i would be able to solve this problem soon.. life without Him sucks!!!!!!! my life is so incomplete.. i dun wanna feel pain beyond comparison and ultimate darkness..
just thought i would like to share my thoughts and wut i'm going thru.. i pray hard that no one would be goin thru it.. life without Jesus is worst than being locked up in an isolation cell with nth but darkness and limited space.. it's worst than being lost in the Bermuda Triangle.. knowing about Jesus is one thing.. Knowing Him, loving Him and communicating with Him is another thing..

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
Jeremiah 33:3

...Lost Without You...

Probably every christians would say that spiritual life is just like a roller-coaster ride.. there are alwiz ups n downs n some valley r definitely steeper n deeper than others; some peaks are like everest whereas some r like gunung kinabalu.. although i've been a christian all my life, i've nvr seemed to hv experienced the whole roller-coaster ride.. until now.. when i first experienced God's touch, it was like WOW!!!!!!!! mere words could never explain how i felt at that time.. those were the most precious moments of my life.. to be touched by God and to hear His voice was the greatest gift i could ever dream of receiving.. my entire life would be of no regrets if everyday i'm able to walk in His footsteps, beside Him.. the feeling is of no other.. and i would never trade it for any other things on earth.. those were my ups.. however, i guess all gud things will never last.. the feel-good times only lasted for bout a year.. then it was back to square one.. things were back to normal.. the relaxing state i guess.. then it went back up.. the peak wasn't as high as the first tho.. but nonetheless, i was still drenched and soaked in the spirit.. it was cool and i was really glad to be alwiz in God's presence.. to feel loved, wanted, to feel significant, and to feel as part of the team.. most importantly, to feel that i belonged to somebody.. i noe my family loves me and i've frenz, but the feeling is jz different.. things were great n it is as though nothing seems to bother me and everything went extremely well.. i guess all's well that ends well.. not just yet tho..

~to be continued~

..Lord..You've gotta hear me out..

There's a hero

If you look inside your heart

You don't have to be afraid

Of what you are

There's an answer

If you reach into your soul

And the sorrow that you know

Will melt away

And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

It's a long road

When you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold

You can find love

If you search within yourself

And the emptiness you felt

Will disappear

Lord knows

Dreams are hard to follow

But don't let anyone

Tear them away

Hold on

There will be tomorrow

In timeYou'll find the way

..when depression takes over..nothing seems right..

i've been experiencing all sorts of emotions, conditions, and various state of mind these few months.. never in my entire life have i thought tht life is so tough and full of illusions.. most of my frenz used to say i'm delusional,cz i would be day dreaming and my thoughts would be drawn to 'happily-ever-after' all the time.. i used to think that there would always be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and tht tom would alwiz turn out better.. well, tht was a very long time ago ever since i've had those childish optimist thoughts.. i guess u could say tht humans change after the toughness they've gone through.. life hasn't been pretty, as a matter of fact, i dun think life has been treating me well these couple of months.. i have been sick of my boring, dull old life for a long time.. things has been getting from bad to worst n i often feel tht my life is nothing but boring n gloomy.. nothing seems to interest me anymore.. not even planning for camps or going for a vacation excites me.. youth quake is coming up and tht is sth to look forward to but it doesn't sound as exciting tht i thought it could be (not tht i'm saying it's not exciting, it is, it's jz tht it doesn't seem to excite me as much anymore).. i miss my school days.. i miss my frenz.. i do have frenz, very nice frenz i would say, in col now.. but it's jz so different.. there's jz sth not really right when i am where i am now.. they r cool and nice and all but i jz find it difficult to click in.. the topic of discussions, the environment, my emotions around them, my thoughts r jz so different.. i am SO NOT me when i'm in col!!! i feel like i'm a big-time faker!! it's not like i wanna be one but i jz couldn't bring myself to act like who i am.. situations do not allow it, and i hate to be alert all the time.. sometimes i feel tht i'm not the only big-time faker there.. having to think maturely, having to be at my best at all times, having to be alert of wut ppl say n do is killing me!! sometimes i guess wut ppl say bout me is very true.. not only i dun look like a 20-year-old girl, i dun even act like one too!! it's like my age is way ahead of my time (no idea wut i'm talking about).. right now, situations r pushing me to grow up, to step out of my comfort zone, my condusive environment.. no more childishness, no more fooling around, no more immature thoughts, no more relying on others to cover up the mess i've made.. after all the mistakes i've made in my lifetime, i've realized tht i've nvr really learned from my mistakes.. ppl come n go, walked in n out of my life, trying to leave preciuos advice with me, but me, being such a numb-skull, would nvr key it in into the empty brain of mine.. i've came across comments like "yuen mei, y r u so smart? u can even do well, even when u've not studied hard".. all my life, i've been very blessed with good results, besides my STPM results, i've been able to achieve strings of A's, and honestly, i've no idea how.. but wut's the use of good academic results but poor understanding in life? it seems like i'm facing life all alone.. feeling so helpless n hopeless at times.. where were YOU when i called? did YOU hear me?

Dedicated To Grandfather...

Before the world began, You were on His mind

And every tear you cry, is precious in His eyes

Because of His great love, He gave His only son

And everything was done so you would come

Nothing you can do, could make Him love you more

Nothing that you've done, could make Him close the door

Because of His great love, He gave His only Son

Everything was done so you would come

Come to the Father, though your gift is small

Broken hearts broken lives He would take them all

The power of the Word, the power of His blood

Everything was done so you would come

Grandfather.. God has kept His promise that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal live.. I'm sure you're having a gud time up in heaven and we on earth shall rejoice and be happy.. I'm sure you are well protected by God and that you're no longer paralyse.. And i noe tht u're watching us from heaven.. thank you for your care for me.. i really cherish it.. i shall await the day when we finally meet in heaven and we shall rejoice together in the choir of the angels!!!

My Dearest Grandpa...

I have been really blessed by God for giving me such a great grandpa.. although we're not blood related (cz he's actually my cousins grandfather), he treats me like his very own grandchild.. i remember the times when i was in primary school and i had no choice but to stay at my cousins house after schooling hours until my parents pick me up after work.. my cousins house was like my second home then cz i spent more time there than my real home.. my cousins grandparents treat me really well and they tries to offer me the best and takes really gud care of me.. her grandpa on the other hand, luvs to chat and never fails to tell me all his wonderful stories and experience when he was young.. he was a really friendly man and i cherish the times when he calls me from inside the kitchen "AH MEI!!! HAVE U EATEN!!!".. now tht he's called back to heaven, there's no one to call me from inside the kitchen anymore.. another person less who would tell exciting stories to me and one person less to care for me.. honestly, although he's not my 'real' gramps, I REALLY MISS HIM!!!!
I pray that Lord, You would take care of him and that i would be able to see him again one day in heaven!!!!! God, i pray tht You would comfort his family members as well.. I can't thank you enough for giving me the privilege to be a 'grandchild' to him.. Amen!

If only..

If only i had realize how much time i had wasted these 20 years of my life sooner.. if only i had practice for tht darn piano exam on mon more consistently.. if only i had started on my lame assignments earlier.. if only i had study for the stupid quiz.. if only i hadn't lose focus during classes.. if only the certain 'someone' i like like me as well.. if only i had no feelings.. if only i wasn't sent down to earth n i was still in heaven.. if only i know wut i'm doin.. if only i noe wut's God's plans in my life.. if only there aren't so many regrets in my life...
piano exam's on monday & i'm totally unprepared.. yea.. and i'm blogging and goin online and watching tv and rushing assignments.. urgh.. and doin a lot of other stuffs i shouldn't be doin at a time like this.. i jz hope i dun fail tht's all.. gosh.. the toughest grade and i'm playing a fool.. sobz.. i jz so hope tht this wouldn't be another addition to my collection of regrets.. God, help!!!!!!!! desperate times calls for desperate measures.. prayer needed guyz.. stress overload.. anxiety building up.. sigh.. at this rate i think i'm gonna die in california..

Time Out!!!

This past few weeks have really been digging the life out of me.. i've no idea why i feel so tensed up & stressed up.. assignments were as usual, not really piling up, well, if it is it's cz i've been procrastinating again but tht's not the reason.. exams r over tho the few days b4 exams were pretty bad but i survived.. lecture time is quite dispersed so it's not really a problem but why am i feeling the stress?? it's stress overload man!!! the fact tht wut stresses me has nothing to do with studies really bothers me a lot.. sobz.. i really do hope i dun start losing hair again.. the symptoms of overstressed r revealing already.. restless nights, crazy diet, short term memory (as in really short), day-dreaming most of the time.. gosh.. i hope it would be over with soon.. i so screwed up my business ethics, psychology and critical thinking tests.. sobz.. and i can't even concentrate on my assignments.. i'm so dead!! sobz.. something mz be wrong with my brain.. took me 1 whole hour jz to get this post typed out.. tht proves how bad my condition is.. guess i really had it.. i need my 1 week break b4 i really go cuckoo!!! i guess all these stress are mainly bulit up cz of my own thoughts.. hv been worrying so much bout my grandma's hand & my mum's leg.. my mum hv been complaining of leg pain since last year but no doctor has came up with any remedies for it.. they dun even noe wut's wrong with her.. i'm a lil worried.. & then, she's telling me bout her not being able to be with me all the time really gets me all tensed.. sobz.. i really dun feel like goin off to california at all now.. not when both of them r like tht.. hope tht i'm jz worrying for nth.. couldn't bear the thought of them not being there for me.. probably it's jz my crazy thoughts & probably i'm jz stressing myself up for nth but.. i can't help it.. i noe it's crazy but i've alwiz wished tht there's only life and no death.. there are only beginnings and no ends, meetings and no farewells, hellos and no goodbyes.. God.. i'm really freaking sad.. i need a break! makes me feel damn useless.. dunno when i'll start breaking down, probably very soon..

~yuen mei~

When the sun never rise & when skies are always grey..

I have to say this year's church camp in Malacca Watercity was great and i have really experience much more than just an encounter with God. Pastor Cornelio, Pastor Deborah, Pastor Graham, Rev Kim and all the other camp committee did a really great job.. I was truly awed by the praise and worship we offered to God.. and I've witness deliverance with my very own eyes.. this year's church camp hit a target of 170 people and that's more than double of our annual church camp attendance and i truly believe tht God will bless us richly..
Although the church camp was great and everything was so uhmm.. spiritual, i can't help feeling bothered, sad ,and miserable.. the camp was great until my grandmother slipped and fell and fractured her arm bone.. i was really shocked, more to terrified when i heard that my grandma fell.. there's this aching and piercing pain in my heart.. i was really sad when i see her go thorugh all the pain.. i really wanted to share half of her pain with her if not all.. i wanted to cry but there was no tears.. wanted to scream but no voice came out.. wanted to be happy but was feeling hollow inside.. i've no idea wut to do.. i guess i luv my grandma more than i realize..
After tht incident, nightmares followed every single night.. nightmares if attending my grandma's funeral.. and nightmares of not being to see my grandma for the last time before she goes back to the Lord..
I DUN WANNA GO TO CALIFORNIA!!! i'm afraid tht i might not see her again when i come back.. i'm afraid of losing something or someone tht i care so much for.. i dun wanna miss the chance of having the last few moments with her.. although i noe she's in perfect shape now but still there's the worries and there's the 'missing-her' part.. sobz.. my grandma was the one who brought me up and the one who cared for me when my parents went to work.. i have spent all the years of my life with her and she plays a vital role in my life.. there wouldn't be any yuen mei if it wasn't for her..
God.. please dun take her away from me so soon!! sometimes i do wish tht i would be the first to die in the family so i wouldn't have to go through all the pain when someone dies.. kinda selfish huh.. but i really can't bear the thought of them 'going' first.. is there any other way tht i could see her face-to-face all the time in california?? i'm gonna really miss my family.. though it's another year to go before i leave but a year passes by in jz a twinkling of an eye.. i'll be gone by the time u noe it.. i dun wanna leave so soon!!!

Trip to Korea!!!!!!

Overwhelming frusration & fatigue & disappointment!!!

So, it was 2 days in TPM for nothing!!! as if that's not enuff.. i jz received message that we might or might not have class tom.. so wut r we supposed to do?? hang around there again & wait?? i've piano class tom & i've ady cancelled so many classes jz to accommodate for this change of schedule.. i'm really freaking pissed right now.. not to say freaking disappointed!!! how can they do this to us??? my piano teacher is so gonna kill me for this.. & i'm so tempted to initiate butt kicking session!!! ish.. i'm so darn frustrated now!! i dunno wut to do!!! should i cancel my piano class or should i keep it & not go for the class?? wut if i cancel piano lesson & go back to col but they said it only commences on mon?? urgh!! i'm so tired of thinking!!! my brain hurts.. wished that they're more organized.. i like my course & i like it there.. won't wanna end up switching col jz cz of this.. but i can't be changing my piano teacher's schedule all the time!! tht would be so unfair for her!!! i for once is very against ppl foiling up my plans.. & i definitely won't wanna do that to others.. oh God!! such a simple matter yet with huge dillemma!!! sobz..

However, i guess God has been fair.. i had a great time with the JSers again!! although i had to watch Poseidon again but i have to admit i had a great time!! not with the movie but with my frenz.. celebrated Ian's birthday & went on with our normal lepaking & our normal laughter that fills the air of the whole midvalley.. how can we not when we have Erreekka & Lawrence around?? hehe.. i really thank God for these people God has brought into my life.. being able to spend time with them is truly my pleasure.. it's alwiz a pleasure & it's alwiz nice to see u JSers again!! oohh.. before signing out..

HAPPIE BURFDAY IAN!!!!

NO!!!! Extended Hol!!

My 1 week of hols is finally over.. so, i went back to col on monday.. which was yesterday.. only to find out tht our timetable for this semester is not out yet.. & our classes only commence next mon.. so, technically i've 1 more week extended holiday.. wut the.. sigh.. i'm gonna have to rot at home with my exam pieces for 1 whole week.. they should hv at least informed us at least before the hols & not make us go to col for nothing.. & they made us go back to col today to confirm our exemptions & the subjects we're taking.. spend another day in col for nothing.. sigh.. but anyhow, finally, they confirmed my exemptions but will only be goin off to california in august next year.. however, i've to score at least a B for every subject!! sobz.. how am i gonna do tht?? i can't even guarantee or convince myself to score a C.. i hope God grants me miracles & blessings.. sighz.. then there r all the weird electives.. wut has performing arts, anthropology & psychology has to do with biotechnology? i mean i understand y business ethics is in but performing arts?? wut the heck?? & the worst part is i've to work equally hard for these subjects so tht i could score a minimum B.. this is SO frustrating!!! i seriously hope i could finish by July next year.. there's 10 more subjects to cover.. well, at least i've frenz to teman me through.. it's better than goin through it alone.. God!!! grant me the strength & the confidence man.. at the edge of freaking out here.. anthropology sounds freaky & i dun even noe wut the heck is it.. sobz.. however, i'm looking forward to organic chemistry though.. it has been my fave subject since.. since.. form 4 i think.. sigh.. memory deteriorating.. eyesight depreciating.. intelligence goin down the drain.. sigh.. to sum it all up.. yuen mei is getting dumber by the second.. he.. he.. & crazier.. & weirder..

~freaky yuen mei~

Mizzy.. Borry.. Dreamy.. Holly!

Holly, holly, holly!! i've been waiting for holidays since april but it seems that holidays can be quite boring.. first of all, i'm too lazy to go out.. secondly, i've nothing to do at home.. sigh.. i seriously dunno wut i wanna do now.. well, i guess on the brighter side, i could at least sleep all i want & replenish my energy after those few days of sleepless nights during the exam & the workshop.. but i can't be sleeping all day.. i'll go mad although i love to sleep! why is my holidays so boring?? why did we have to cancel the singapore trip? i would love to attend the workshop in singapore.. but sigh.. i guess it was never meant to be.. then there's the trip to Genting with keat yee & sharron.. sorry guyz.. i really dun mean to back out like that.. but there r so many circumstances.. well, i guess there r many other chances.. jz tht this time round is not the right time.. Oh man!! this has gotta be my most pathetic yet free yet relaxing hollidays.. all i need to do & can do is sit back & relax.. not like it's a bad thing, since i'm too lazy to get out of my house, into the hot & humid air, i guess staying home is the best idea.. can't help feeling bored though.. that accounts for why am i blogging so often.. cz i'm so FREAKING BORED!!! oh God, help me!!

~boring old yuen mei~

Youth Alpha is finally over!!

Hooray!!! Youth alpha is finally over!!! sigh.. i never thought that i'll be so relieved when it's over.. after 3 months of working with this group of people, i guess we've learned a lot from each other.. more or less.. although i have my disatisfaction over certain things, but overall, i'm truly happy & proud that we've managed to pull it off.. youth alpha have been great overall.. the talk was great, the discussions were enlightening, though i've to admit í faced difficulties answering certain questions.. but however, i have to say that i've learned how to handle these questions.. being the group leader & all, i've definitely trained my patience, & honestly, it wasn't easy.. there were a few times where i nearly exploded but thank God i managed to contain it.. i'm not the type of person who would get mad or angry easily, in fact if i were to rate myself i guess i would say that it takes effort to make me get really agitated or frustrated over somethings or someone.. so, if anyone or anything that could cause me to nearly explode is no joke.. there were a few occasions that i really wished i wasn't there to take all those lame but hurtful criticism & jokes directed to me.. i noe i'm a very nice person to disturb & to tease & i dun really mind it provided if they dun go way overboard.. sigh.. some people seems to take this oppurtunity to 'climb over my head'.. but i did not approach or say anything just in case i hurt anyone.. so, i guess all i could do was just to ignore.. never i thought that it takes a lot of hardwork to ignore someone or somethings.. i really had it tough!! and all i could do was just to let it out to certain people.. feeling bad bout actually having to ignore instead of solving things.. feeling bad for that person as well.. but i'm really sorry, i really can't take it anymore.. it's really way beyond what i could handle.. bear in mind that if my actions ever hurt anyone, i'm truly sorry as i really did not meant it to hurt anyone.. besides, the myfers is like part of my family , extended family, & u people plays a vital role in my life.. family are supposed to stick together no matter what, & that's wut i intend to do.. i'm sticking to u guyz.. he.. he.. i jz pray & hope that this matters that we're encountering will be solved in the best way possible..

luv,
~yuen mei~

Heart Of Worship

The Heart of Worship!! i've always wondered wut does it means to praise & worship God.. is it merely an act to thank & praise & worship Him for who He is?? r we only restricted to singing?? to me, praise & worship has always meant singing, clapping, music & all sorts of worship songs dedicated to our Lord.. until i've been elected to be a worship leader, i never really knew wut was its purpose.. during this few years as a worship leader in my church, i've learned a bit more about true praise & worship but it's still a little of a blur to me.. i've attended worship workshop over the years & have picked up information here & there but i guess i'm such a 'numb-skulled' person & it takes time for such a person like me to understand.. however, pastor Cornelius & pastor Deborah seems to deliver the message on worship, praise & prayer very well.. we had worship workshop in church on thursday & friday.. pastor Cornelius & his wife, pastor Deborah was our guest speaker.. pastor Cornelius was such a sweet person, he's very bubbly & he can really make u roll of ur chair.. pastor Deborah is also a very sweet & cheerful person & gosh, her memory is damn good.. talk bout a person memorizing word-for-word the chapters of the bible.. wow!!! i can't even memorize the shortest chapter in the bible.. she's great & both of them are actually evangelising in singapore.. they're truly God's faithful & dedicated servants.. wut hit me the most in the session i guess was how pastor Cornelius related worship to Mary's incident with Jesus.. i've never looked at worship this way.. it was truly an eye-opener.. & i guess i've finally grasp the meaning of true worship.. the worship sessions we had during the workshop was filled with not only singing but dancing too!!! dancing as in not only jumping, dancing round with banners, ribbons, fans, or with every part of their body.. i was truly amazed at the sight.. i could fill the joy of God's people when they're praising Him.. & i've never thought that praise & worship could be done this way.. it is such a joy to see God's people having fun & having so much happiness, trust, faith & joy when praising Him.. then after the sessions, usually we'll have time of prayer till early morning.. prayer is truly powerful!! deliverance, miracles & healing will take place if only u ask & have faith.. i could feel the annointing & the holy spirit as it moves round the room touching each & everyone in the room!! though the deliverance of spirits were kinda scary but i've faith that nothing will be able to harm us because Jesus has won all battles for us.. all we need to do is only to believe! though i've been really exhausted due to lack of sleep ever since exams started, i'm glad i went for the workshop.. it was definitely the experience of the lifetime.. never had i thought of praise, worship & prayer in the way pastor Cornelius & pastor Deborah put it.. surely all praise, honour, glory & power goes to God & God alone!

peace out!!
~yuen mei~

Holly Holly... Mizzie holly!!!

finally, the semester is over.. sigh.. not tht it's a great thing to celebrate.. cz i noe the next semester will be 10 times worst.. but, well, i guess at least there's a week break.. sigh.. and the psychotic flu virus had to attack me of all days.. wut a bummer!!! there goes a few days of fun.. sigh.. stuck at home.. have to practice for the troublesome piano exam coming up.. can't believe i've only 2 months left to practice!! sigh.. i guess i should have completed it way back during form 3.. then i wouldn't be suffering now.. sigh.. my fault.. my fault.. yes!! & my fault again.. then there's the english test i screwed up badly the other day.. can't believe i had problem coming up with a factual essay!!! i wonder wut's wrong with me.. seriously.. then i had problems looking out for grammar mistakes!! what the heck!!! can't believe myself.. i noe i should've slept more before the exam.. sigh.. i din noe it'll cost me so much!! thought i could handle it but i'm jz too hopeless!!! on the brighter side, at least i could look forward to a whole week of hol without worrying bout assignments and exams.. and a whole week to catch up with my 'idiot box' and oso a whole week to catch up with my reading and a whole week to spend with my bed.. well, not too bad la.. desperately need my sleep.. i've been like a walking zombie for long enough.. guess it's time the zombie went back to her grave.. anyway, i guess i'm not making the singapore trip anymore.. another bummer!! everything doesn't seem to be going according to plan.. sobz.. hope the dinner this saturday will turn out well.. sigh.. i must be the most pathetic person ever to walk the earth!! y am i having such a miserable holiday?? y am i feeling so lousy?? i dun wanna be pathetic!!! sobz.. hopefully my hols will not turn out to be as bad as i think it will.. sighz..


~yuen mei over & out~

It has been a 'bloody' week!

I have never felt so tired ever since STPM ended! i've been staying up until 4 a.m. for the past few days.. whoa!! can't believe i made it through! to come to think bout it, i think i nearly fell asleep during my communication exam just now.. it has definitely been a very 'bloody' week.. the assignments, and the presentation nearly 'claimed' my life! thank God i managed to survive it & finally hand it in today.. sigh.. i've been working on those for the past month! & it took me 4 whole nights to polish up on it.. & yet, it still looks & sounds horrible! I think my english is getting from bad to worst! i can't even pronounce intriguing without screwing up the 'u' for the first time! damn it!!! i'm such a freak.. sigh.. & i jz screwed up a few questions during my communications exam today.. & it carries a whole damn lot of marks! what a waste! with english exam coming up tom, dun think i could count of getting much of a sleep tonite.. sigh.. it's jz not possible! i jz hope i dun screw up too badly tom.. or i'll be done for.. althought there's less to study compared to STPM but the workload's killer.. & this is only a short semester where i've only 2, YES 2!!, subjects to concentrate on.. & yet i can screw it up.. u can tell how bad & terrible i am.. the next semester is a long semester where i'm going to take up 5 to 7 subjects, depending on my capability.. i really wonder how i'll do.. probably i'll 'die' before i've even gone through half the semester.. actually i'm still amazed that i actually got through with STPM!! i can't wait till wednesday when i've 1 week break before the next semester.. i'm dying here!! i need rest! no proper sleep for 4 whole nites is driving me crazy.. sigh.. it's jz so sad that i've to stop procrastinating.. all the assignments didn't even allocate time for me to procrastinate.. probably it's a good thing but i guess when u're used to something, it's jz weird when u're not doing it anymore.. then there's the 'Miracle Healing' workshop coming up in singapore, which my mum ask me to attend it with her.. well, it's a good oppurtunity for me to relax in singapore & it's oso a chance for me to experience God's hand at work! can't wait to go.. but then again, i'll be in singapore for 4 to 9 days.. which means i'll most likely be missing on the celebration dinner with my youths on saturday.. sobz.. there goes the fun.. & since my new semester would be starting on the 22nd of May, i'll be missing the mission trip to Myanmar too.. but i guess there'll be other chances next time since i've got a whole lifetime ahead.. but it's jz too bad that i can't make it earlier.. hope that i'll be blessed with the privilege to bless others in need!!

1 Peter 3:9
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

My Thoughts?

Sigh.. sometimes i wonder if i'm weird.. my mum offered to buy me a makeup kit last week.. well, i guess as a normal girl, i should be thrilled.. but i wasn't really thrilled.. i kept asking my mum, y on earht do i need a makeup set?? i mean i dun even noe how to use it to begin with!! besides, i hate the smell & after applying it, my face doesn't feels like uhmm.. my face anymore.. & gosh, it's damn hard to wash it off after that.. well, the only time i apply makeup is during concerts or performances.. other than that, who cares if i put on makeup.. i mean, it's better to be natural rite?? well, i've to admit tht after having done makeover & all, i do look different, i guess prettier, but it doesn't look like me.. i look like someone else & honestly, i dun really noe if i like it.. sigh.. i remember one of my frenz told me once.. a gal's appearance is the most important posession & a gal's beauty is above all else.. but i think character is very important too.. it's not only beauty rite?? beauty is only skin deep.. besides, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.. moreover, i dun think i'm that bad.. sigh.. exam's next week & i'm not an ounce prepared.. i'm so bored but i dun feel like studying currently.. no mood to do anything nowadays.. sigh.. & assignments due on mon.. & i'm still on cloud 9.. wut to do?? buck up, yuen mei!! buck up or u'll nvr make it to california.. it's hard to be optimistic all the time.. & it's hard to be realistic all the time cz reality hurts!! no idea wut i'm crapping about, feeling crappy & bothered & sad & moody & i've no idea what else.. i miss being young.. i miss school.. i miss being care-free.. i miss no worries.. i miss bein happy-go-lucky.. i miss being me!! haven't really been myself this few weeks.. haven't been crazy.. haven't done any mistakes.. haven't been lazy!! not me at all! a lot has been goin in my mind.. no time to even think of being myself.. i think i'm bout to explode anytime soon..
honestly, i've no idea wut's the aim of this post.. probably jz voice out my disatisfaction of myself.. well, that's it.. i'm officially goin nuts.. that jz so proved tht i'm officially weird.. 'yay' me!!

A Picture Worth A Thousand Words..

Eversince i came back from JS, everyone keeps asking me the same questions over & over again.. How was it?? Was it fun?? Isn't 6 weeks a bit too long?? sigh.. the same questions over & over again for the past 2 months.. no offense ya.. i jz wanna say it once & for all.. it was awesome.. really fun.. nvm.. i'll let the pic tell u everything.. ok.. ppl say a picture worth a thousand words.. he.. he.. any other questions jz ask away ya.. but dun ask the same one over & over again la k.. (not tht i dun like to answer but it's a lil pointless to answer a question for 100 times).. if u get wut i mean.. oh.. btw, 6 weeks is really short.. wish it was longer.. nway, JS is jz another sweet memory all together.. time to move on.. no point continuing to dwell in the past rite.. i think this is the last post from me regarding JS.. nway, the aim of this post is only to clarify questions.. no point repeating everything all over again rite?? he.. he.. over & out..

The VIPs in my life..

Many people have walk in & out from my life but not many of them have managed to carve their names in my heart.. i really appreciate what God has done and all His plans for me are truly wonderful (tho i dun really noe what other plans He has in mind but i'm sure it's really awesome).. nway, like i was saying I really give thanks to God for bringing this group of people into my life.. they're r some of the VIPs in my life.. i've many friends but i dun think i've many close friends.. this group of people are my closest friends, my youth group back in church, my childhood friends, and oso my prayer partners.. we can always count on each other to uphold each other in time of needs.. I might not be the richest girl in the world, nor the prettiest nor the most popular but i'm really blessed to have friends like them who's always there for me when i needed support.. honestly, i dun really noe wut i'll end up to be if it wasn't for their words of encouragement for me.. yes, truly they're great people, devoted, faithful and willing to humble themselves, i've truly learned a lot from them and it's great to see them growing up physically, mentally & spiritually.. however, they're not the only VIPs in my life.. they're a lot more others such as my family, my relatives & of course other friends.. but most important of all i guess at the very end, i'll have to say that the most important person or 3 person of all is my one & only Father, Son and Holy Spirit in heaven.. why am i talking bout this?? he.. he.. coz i've nth better to do.. and i'm fed up of my assignments..& oso a reminder for myself tht i'm a very blessed child..

Good Friday!!!

Jesus died on the cross at 2 p.m. today.. sob.. sob.. no idea y i alwiz feel depressed on good friday & i can't help noticing that the weather is also very depressing on good friday.. throughout the years, i've noticed that it'll be very dark, gloomy & somtimes it'll be a heavy downpour from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m every good friday.. the sky will be very dark & dark clouds will be hovering right above us in that 2 hours.. well, the whole nation should be sad because of wut Jesus did for us.. His unfailing love for us has cost him everything including His life.. sometimes i would wonder if it's worth it or r we worthy of all that He has done for us.. who r we that He should die for us?? who r we to claim His life & ask Him for forgiveness for every sin we've committed?? Who r we to judge others when God Himself gave us so many second chances?? what hv we done to deserve the rights to be called sons & daughters of God?? if God were to question us like that at the end times, how many of us will actually pass the test & proceed to heaven to be with Him eternally?? i really thank God that He's ever loving & ever forgiving.. & that He's alwiz giving us second chances so that we'll learn from our mistakes & nvr repeat it over & over again.. I'm ever grateful that on this solemn yet blessed occasion He has died for us & won our life back from hell for us.. after all He has done for me, i can't help asking myself wut I've done for Him.. wut have i done for Him?? pretty much nth i can think bout rite now.. other than serving in the church in wutever area i can, helping others with minor stuffs, otherwise it's nth at all.. I wish i could hv done more.. but i guess at the end it all comes down to how much u LOVE Him & how much u TRUST in Him.. humans would tend to judge other humans by their appearance but our ONE & ONLY LORD JESUS CHRIST looks at our hearts..

Further & further away..

It's been a month plus since JS is over & 2 weeks of uni cum college life has just gone by.. i realize that i'll nvr be able to relive the whole perfect community we had druing the 6 weeks of JS.. those were the happiest & most care-free days of my entire life.. coming into uni, college, wutever u call it.. things r so different.. it's ur choice whether to study anot or to go for classes or not to go, it's alll up to u.. it's freedom & it's really relaxing & enjoyable & a lil stress of assignments jz to add some colours into things but otherwise it's supposed to be the best days of a teenage life.. but.. i can't help feeling a lil weird & off track.. it's cool & all, i've great classmates, they're funny, smart, hardworking & in 1 word, damn 'cun' & all but sth is jz missing.. i dun feel the sense of belonging, neither do i feel wanted.. although we laugh & talk & tease but i jz can't help feeling a lil lonely there.. sobz.. y is this feeling taking over?? back in church.. church used to be my haven, a place where i alwiz feel secure, a place where i could alwiz count on.. the ppl there r totally cool & nice, my childhood frenz r there, my best frenz r there & most of all, the ppl in church would nvr betray me & we watched out for each other.. it's like my second home.. however, recently, i jz can't help feeling lost in church & among my youths.. i jz dun feel like we're a big family anymore.. yes, no doubt we still laugh & play & discuss & watch out for each other as usual, but.. like i said earlier there's jz sth missing.. there's sth seriously wrong with me.. the good old days with the MYFers were so cool & we had so much good & bad times together that ic ould nvr forget all the days of my life, how God has been so good & real to us & all the troubles we've got into & how we all stuck together & finally got out of it.. we've been through so much that it's jz so weird that now, we seemed so distant.. it's jz so sad to think that i'm drifting away from them & in a year plus, i'll be leaving for California.. sobz.. that's gonna so do some damages to our relationship.. i can tell.. well, easter's coming round the corner & we've the youht alpha thingy to complete & i'm as lost as ever.. lost as in dun really noe wut is goin on & dun feel like i'm part of it although my conscience tells me i am part of it.. urghh.. it's so confusing & it's so depressing.. it's not that i'm freakingly desperate for attention cz i attention hv been given to each & everyone of us, it's jz that i dun feel that i belong anymore.. the feeling is like when ur parents tell u now that u're an adopted child.. it hurts & i feel really depressed.. i really luv my frenz.. i luv the MYFers.. i luv everyone in church but things jz seem so different now.. or rather, i am a different person all together.. & my view & perspective of a perfect life has changed over the past few months.. this is jz so weird..

New Beginning, New Life...

Finally the decision hv been made.. sigh.. well, at least something is done & now it's all over with.. so, i started uni life on tuesday which was yesterday, officially.. currently studying in TPM (Technology Park Malaysia).. it's so new & it's super big.. the whole campus covers the grounds of the whole park.. they're so many government & private research companies in there oso.. well, since this uni or academy is newly established & it's a semi government sorta thing, i jz hope tht it's up to par.. but honestly, it's not the academy here tht i'm interested in goin, i'm looking forward to the end of nex year where i'll be continuing my studies in California State Polytechnic University, Pomona.. i'm goin to spend 4 years there.. 2 years studying + 1 year internship + 1 year job placement.. it's so cool tht i'm given an oppurtunity to work in california.. tht totally makes up for the outrageously horrible results i got.. i jz hope i do really well in my degree so tht i'll be able to apply to a well established company there.. at least i'm doin wut i wanted to do.. sigh.. my first choice was supposed to be pharmacies.. but too bad i can't make tht a dream come true cz with my results, i couldn't even get close to realizing this dream.. so, it's biotech, my second choice.. well, even so, i barely scrape through for biotech.. applied for SIT but they offer me food tech instead cz i couldn't make the requirements for biotech.. UCSI offered biotech but it's all local, TPM offered me biotech & it sounds really appealing, KDU offered me a conditional offer to do Biomedic but if i dun do well, they reserve the rights to kick me out.. tht's way too risky.. not tht i would do badly but currently, my confidence & self-esteem is at the lowest, dun think it can go any lower..sigh.. it was a hard decision as my mum really liked SIT & food tech is an interesting course but it's placed 4th in my list.. but it's a twinning to australia, the country which i've alwiz planned to further my studies to.. it's really cool!! but all decisions r ady made.. it's california & i'll be gone for 4 years.. sobz.. it's so far from home.. so far from my family.. how am i goin to survive there on my own?? sobz..

Why oh why?!?!?

Sob.. This has been really a terrible week.. sigh.. i'm gonna start complaining again.. life is jz so dreadful yet i can nvr stop thanking God for all He has done in my life.. STPM results was just released a couple of days ago.. honestly, i really got the shock of my life when i saw my results!!! i was so so freaking disappointed with chemistry & biology.. i could hv so done better.. MANGKUK la!!! i was so speechless when i saw my results.. sobz.. my results really put me no where.. i can't go on with the course i want in Malaysia, at least not fully la.. my parents would most likely hv to send me overseas after my first year here.. i dun wanna leave!!! i'm afraid once i leave i wouldn't wanna come back!! there are too many things & people in Malaysia that i miss & cherish!! wut bout church?? family?? i'll be so alone!!! i'll hv to start everything over.. wut bout the different culture?? i noe i can adapt but i wanna stay!! it's all cz i'm super stupid!! i shouldn't even get results close to the 1 i got.. could've done so much better.. why did You let this happen to me God?? is this part of Your great plan for me?? teach me to have faith in You Lord!! i'm so lost!! i noe i should be getting over my results by now but it's jz not done.. this stupid results is haunting my every single thoughts.. i noe i told myself countless times to not look back & regret on the decisions i've made.. as much i hate saying it, i hate STPM!! it so ruin my whole entire life!! (a lil dramatic but that's how i feel now) sigh.. wut can i do?? where can i go??

Re-entry Stress!!!

Whoa!! This week has been a really tough week!! Who could have thought it would be so hard to settle down after 6 to 7 weeks of Jeremiah School! Honestly, i've been really having it hard.. I feel so lost whenever my family or whenever my friends talk to me.. It's like I'm lost in a world of my own.. I tried to listen & to think & to tune my frequency towards theirs but to no avail.. The more I try the more confused I become.. Sigh.. MYF, MYF.. I'm really proud of my youth group cause it's really a big encouragement to see how all of us grew together spiritually & oso physically of course.. But currently, I just find it a little weird when it comes to communicating with them.. All my mind could think about now is what I've been doing for the past 6 weeks in JS.. Whenever anyone ask about JS, I just can't help talking bout it.. It's good but the problem is I can't stop after that.. sob.. sob.. I really miss those times!! Then there's the youth alpha.. I can't help being worried bout the progress.. There r so few who turned up.. What exactly happened?? We've to really sit down & pray bout it.. If there's anything we can do, is to pray & leave the rest to God.. then there's easter coming up.. oh man!! just thinking bout the work load is freaking me out already.. a musical is really too much.. sorry guyz.. i really can't remember what i suggested but i think we should keep it simple due to the lack of time.. so sorry!! sigh.. results is coming out soon.. i've really no confidence at all.. i noe i did very badly.. but wutever izit, good or bad, i'll give thanks.. then there's the whole uni application thing.. i seriously have no idea where i'm heading.. i've this weird feeling to go into full time ministry & the feeling got stronger when i was in JS.. But i guess like what unc herbie hv been saying, we should study & at least get a degree b4 goin full time.. but still i need to noe my directions.. i'm so lost!! sigh.. i've nvr got good sense of direction.. there r so many choices & so many offers that i could think about.. this makes things even harder for me.. worries.. worries.. worries.. y can't i be the happy-go-lucky girl everyone thinks i am?? y can't i be happy all the time?? i hate it when it comes to decision making!! i hate to be left alone to think bout the worries in life! y can't i be the crazy girl i am all the time?? sigh.. how i wish JS lasted longer so i wouldn't have to come back & think bout wut i have to do.. it's just so sad that all good things always comes to an end.. i think i will go crazy even before uni starts!!

Back Home!!

Now that I'm back from JS, everything seems so different.. I'm having a really hard time adapting to normal life (as in life before JS).. I miss JS so so much!! I miss the big family of 45 we use to have for the pass 7 weeks.. I miss the lessons, the people, the fellowship we had.. JS is just like a dream that has came to an end.. It's like a snap out of fantasy world where everything was perfect.. Now, it's hello to reality, welcome back worries & gudbye perfect life!! There's just so much struggle in trying to cope with the normal work & normal way & style in doing things.. Then there's the youth alpha thing.. honestly speaking, i'm really really exhausted.. i dun even noe if i've wut it takes to lead or to help out for the time being.. i really hope God will help me through this.. JS was really a life changing experience.. It gave me a lot to think about.. It has also left me with a lot of questions which i would most probably not able to answer till the day i die.. but, i've surely grown in terms of spirituality & i noe i'm spiritually more mature now than i was before.. not sure if i'm mature overall.. back in reality, things seems to be more complicated & difficult.. plus, i think i'm diagnosed with a severe case of post-JS-depression syndrome.. i guess it'll take some time for me to get over it.. in the meantime, i guess praying that i'll achieve good result in STPM is something i hv to do.. sigh..

Jeremiah School

It's been a few days since I'm off from JS.. Can't believe that I'll be back in STM on sun.. It was great & all but I can't help complaining bout the food & the bed there.. the bed gave me backaches for the whole 3 weeks plus.. sigh.. but i really thank God for the friends & the mentors there.. wut would i do without them.. i really appreciate the company of my 2 best pals, i would be so terribly afraid to be there all alone in an all new environment.. i've gained much for the past 3 weeks in terms of knowledge & experience.. although i struggle to stay alert in some of the lectures, but by God's grace i managed to survive it.. i guess the part of JS which i cherish the most is the time of reflection & the quiet time we had.. that's when i truly experienced God & noe for sure that He's real & that He's ministering to each & everyone of us.. I had my own probs in JS.. for 3 whole weeks i struggled a lot to obtain peace of mind.. it was a terrible & a wonderful experience all together.. but i am really grateful cz i had so many frenz praying for me & Jesus guiding me through it.. He never lets me down & He never will.. i have to admit that the time i spend with God for the past 3 weeks is more than the time i spend with God yearly.. JS really helped me put my prayer & spiritual walk with God back in line.. well, i guess JS is not all that bad.. in fact i actually miss it.. wish i could write more bout it but i'm jz too lazy to type.. he.. he..

2006 is HERE!!!

It's really hard to believe that 2006 is here already.. All that has happened for the last few months is just like a dream that's long gone now that we're awake in this brand new year!! 2005 was a really thrilling, exciting, not to say crazy year that I don't mind remembering (except the part where I had to sit for my STPM that is).. Last year was the year where I truly realize that I could count on my frenz to back me up when I'm in need.. I truly thank u guyz a lot (deep down from my heart).. Nway, I'll be goin for Jeremiah School on the 4th of Jan (jz to inform my frenz bout it, u guyz won't be seeing me for a while ya) till the 26th of Feb.. I'll also be visiting Korea on the 27 of Jan.. The schedule seems really tiring but I know I'll have fun.. Now I'm just worried bout JS (Jeremiah School).. I can't seem to make myself thirlled bout goin for it.. It's like I don't even realize I'm going for it.. The whole thing is kinda weird but well, I hope that I could keep up with all the lectures everyday.. I haven't been listening to any lectures since Oct, I don't even know if I could stay alert for it now.. Nway, before I end this post, I would wanna wish everyone a joyous new year.. May everything goes orderly & well..