..when depression takes over..nothing seems right..

i've been experiencing all sorts of emotions, conditions, and various state of mind these few months.. never in my entire life have i thought tht life is so tough and full of illusions.. most of my frenz used to say i'm delusional,cz i would be day dreaming and my thoughts would be drawn to 'happily-ever-after' all the time.. i used to think that there would always be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and tht tom would alwiz turn out better.. well, tht was a very long time ago ever since i've had those childish optimist thoughts.. i guess u could say tht humans change after the toughness they've gone through.. life hasn't been pretty, as a matter of fact, i dun think life has been treating me well these couple of months.. i have been sick of my boring, dull old life for a long time.. things has been getting from bad to worst n i often feel tht my life is nothing but boring n gloomy.. nothing seems to interest me anymore.. not even planning for camps or going for a vacation excites me.. youth quake is coming up and tht is sth to look forward to but it doesn't sound as exciting tht i thought it could be (not tht i'm saying it's not exciting, it is, it's jz tht it doesn't seem to excite me as much anymore).. i miss my school days.. i miss my frenz.. i do have frenz, very nice frenz i would say, in col now.. but it's jz so different.. there's jz sth not really right when i am where i am now.. they r cool and nice and all but i jz find it difficult to click in.. the topic of discussions, the environment, my emotions around them, my thoughts r jz so different.. i am SO NOT me when i'm in col!!! i feel like i'm a big-time faker!! it's not like i wanna be one but i jz couldn't bring myself to act like who i am.. situations do not allow it, and i hate to be alert all the time.. sometimes i feel tht i'm not the only big-time faker there.. having to think maturely, having to be at my best at all times, having to be alert of wut ppl say n do is killing me!! sometimes i guess wut ppl say bout me is very true.. not only i dun look like a 20-year-old girl, i dun even act like one too!! it's like my age is way ahead of my time (no idea wut i'm talking about).. right now, situations r pushing me to grow up, to step out of my comfort zone, my condusive environment.. no more childishness, no more fooling around, no more immature thoughts, no more relying on others to cover up the mess i've made.. after all the mistakes i've made in my lifetime, i've realized tht i've nvr really learned from my mistakes.. ppl come n go, walked in n out of my life, trying to leave preciuos advice with me, but me, being such a numb-skull, would nvr key it in into the empty brain of mine.. i've came across comments like "yuen mei, y r u so smart? u can even do well, even when u've not studied hard".. all my life, i've been very blessed with good results, besides my STPM results, i've been able to achieve strings of A's, and honestly, i've no idea how.. but wut's the use of good academic results but poor understanding in life? it seems like i'm facing life all alone.. feeling so helpless n hopeless at times.. where were YOU when i called? did YOU hear me?