~cry of the heart~

the heart is one of the most dangerous organ in the body.. can't live without it but at the same time it could cause so much confusions and illusions.. no idea if what i'm going thru now or what i'm feeling now is sincere but.. i guess there are certain things that i really do not wanna let go.. but circumstances does not allow me to hold on any longer.. no matter how much i wished it had all gone well, i guess sometimes it's just life.. not everyone gets what they desire.. the lights have been turned on and the fog and mist are melted and carried away by the sun's heat ray and the wind.. what seemed like a total blur the past few weeks is suddenly crystal clear.. the statements some people made the previous nite has clear and obvious intentions.. intentions that gave me reasons to stop hallucinating.. reasons to stop being so naive.. reasons to feel all the more hurt.. reasons to feel the long prickly needle piercing thru the tender lining of the heart.. reasons to cry my heart out.. reasons to blame myself for being such an idiot.. reasons to stop believing that probably there's still something there.. i know that no matter how much i wish that the memories i had the past 2 months are the memories that i would be continuing in the future, it wouldn't come to past.. all that's left are just memories to be kept.. wouldn't try holding on but it wouldn't be easy to let go.. some part of me still really really wish that someday history will repeat itself but this time with a more pleasant ending.. probably that's just the emotional, naive side of me.. the naive side that has always wished to be living in a conducive, fairytale-like virtual world.. I really really want this to end soon!! I'm really tired of faking my daily life!!! It's not easy to laugh when you feel like crying.. or smile when you feel like breaking down.. or to pretend to feel nothing about it when in actual fact the heart is bruised to the extend that it would start bleeding anytime.. and it definitely is not easy to hold your tears from rolling down your cheeks in front of people.. it is very ironic how I always end up facing my fears and my weaknesses.. is this really how people grow?! thru all these pain and hurts?!

conciousness taking over but it's just not enough

*wishing to be not so naive*