hectic, hectic & nth but more hectic~

yay!! there's officially 1 month more be4 i reach home!!! the wait is killing me but i noe it'll be worth every second of the wait.. got an internship at some bionexus status company in KL.. it's kinda sad that i'll hv to work during the 3 months 'supposed' holiday back home.. but i guess.. as long as i'm home, nth seems to matter anymore.. home is the one & only place where i feel comfortable and safe.. my hiding place, my shelter..

but in this 1 month be4 home..

i've tons of assignment to complete be4 the due dates.. mostly next week.. i'm so dead!! jz completed 1 which was due today and that has cost another sleepless night.. consequences?! slept during biochemistry lecture & the lecturer caught me 'fishing'.. sighz.. can't seem to stop embarassing myself even in the states.. =( with so many midterms, assignments, quizzes, discussions due round the corner.. i can't help but feel the stress & pressure.. think my brain is really quite mashed already..

on the other hand..

besides being stressed over academic stuffs.. i guess there's the other thing i've been stressing over for the past month too.. but i guess that's something which i could not control.. only fate will decide the outcome.. so.. i guess doing whatever i feel like doing is good provided i don't go overboard and provided i could get a grip of myself!! NOT gonna let go.. wanna hold on till the day i would eventually let go with no aches in the heart.. still hoping there's a chance there but.. well..

*yuen mei is very tired & exhausted due to stress*

HAPPIE MUMMIE'S DAY!!!!!!!!!

I MISS U & LOVE U, MUM!!!!

for everything u've done,
i'm truly grateful..

i really really thank God for giving me such a lovely, caring, the most wonderful mummie in the whole wide world.. =)

~wish i could be back home to celebrate it with u mum~

life is full of games and tricks..

Everytime I'm half-way reaching my point of destination, something happens and it holds me back!


I'm DONE trying..

for now.. I shall do things according to my emotions for a change.. first thing that comes to mind.. dangerous but.. who knows.. might work??

*emotionally exhausted*

~cry of the heart~

the heart is one of the most dangerous organ in the body.. can't live without it but at the same time it could cause so much confusions and illusions.. no idea if what i'm going thru now or what i'm feeling now is sincere but.. i guess there are certain things that i really do not wanna let go.. but circumstances does not allow me to hold on any longer.. no matter how much i wished it had all gone well, i guess sometimes it's just life.. not everyone gets what they desire.. the lights have been turned on and the fog and mist are melted and carried away by the sun's heat ray and the wind.. what seemed like a total blur the past few weeks is suddenly crystal clear.. the statements some people made the previous nite has clear and obvious intentions.. intentions that gave me reasons to stop hallucinating.. reasons to stop being so naive.. reasons to feel all the more hurt.. reasons to feel the long prickly needle piercing thru the tender lining of the heart.. reasons to cry my heart out.. reasons to blame myself for being such an idiot.. reasons to stop believing that probably there's still something there.. i know that no matter how much i wish that the memories i had the past 2 months are the memories that i would be continuing in the future, it wouldn't come to past.. all that's left are just memories to be kept.. wouldn't try holding on but it wouldn't be easy to let go.. some part of me still really really wish that someday history will repeat itself but this time with a more pleasant ending.. probably that's just the emotional, naive side of me.. the naive side that has always wished to be living in a conducive, fairytale-like virtual world.. I really really want this to end soon!! I'm really tired of faking my daily life!!! It's not easy to laugh when you feel like crying.. or smile when you feel like breaking down.. or to pretend to feel nothing about it when in actual fact the heart is bruised to the extend that it would start bleeding anytime.. and it definitely is not easy to hold your tears from rolling down your cheeks in front of people.. it is very ironic how I always end up facing my fears and my weaknesses.. is this really how people grow?! thru all these pain and hurts?!

conciousness taking over but it's just not enough

*wishing to be not so naive*

'No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.'

I was feeling all jumbled up with thoughts until a friend quoted this phrase a few hours ago.. it then hit me so hard that it really slapped me out of my own thoughts that hey!! he's right.. no one or no person is worth my tears and misery.. it's just that it's just so hard to put it into actions instead of just mere words.. i'm made out of flesh and blood and hey!! cut me or smack me, i'll bleed and i'll hurt and i'll most probably be screaming on top of my lungs for all who know me well.. but i guess i am trying really really hard to put the past behind me.. sometimes i do have my own naive thoughts and wishes but after all i've gone through, there's no space for naive and kiddish thoughts and actions anymore.. life isn't like what pop-up fairytale books states.. it's far complicated, cold, harsh and traumatising.. tomorrow might be another day but who knows what's gonna happen at the end of today.. guess that's life.. we'll never know if we'll get hurt today or tomorrow until we actually feel the pain of the injury..

For all who have been concerned with my well being due to my emotional and gloomy post these few days, i'm so sorry for causing any discomfort and worries.. i believe time will play it's part.. in the meantime, i guess all i could do is try to chill and not to let my emotions affect any1 else..

*still praying hard that things will work out for the better*

season change.. things change..

i still miss certain things.. things may change and tables may be turned on me.. wish i could let go already.. but.. i guess i sank in a lil too much to feel nth bout it.. if only feelings could be manipulated easily then i wouldn't hv to go thru all these now.. can't wait for summer to arrive.. another season, hopefully another change for the better.. considerations to be made, brokenness to be patched, decisions and alterations to be decided and made up, internships to be completed, basically, i'm positively sure everything will be different after summer.. jz hope it's for the better.. won't get my hopes up and ending up giving myself too much false hope but.. i trust God will help me thru, jz pray tht I wouldn't mess things up by being disobedient..

summer will make the difference!!

*still feeling sore & broken but trying hard to stand firm*

a tear is jz a laughter away??

there's been so much goin on these days that i almost lost track of how much i've been going thru and how long the whole phase is taking.. it's so hard to feel sad and hurt but at the same time have to pretend that i'm cool and chilling bout it.. can't really cry it out or scream it out.. so the other best alternative i guess is to smile and laugh it out.. at least if i laugh hard enough and tear, i would have a reason for crying.. being hyper and active in order to not think and focus so much on the hurts is really tiring.. but i really can't figure out another way except to tire myself and wear myself out to prevent unnecessary thoughts.. guess it does take a long time to recover from hurts.. i believe that time will play it's role and God will help me thru it.. guess in the end, there is not much external issue but it's jz if i can get over myself and my internal conflict.. this sucks.. i'm such a lousy and emotional loser.. needa be stronger to survive in a reality tht's harsh and cruel.. no more naive thoughts..

can't wait till summer!!!

*trying to return to my comfort zone*

~~over~~

the one month plus roller coaster ride has finally come to an end.. relieved yet at the same time i can't help but feel sad.. wish i have a memory eraser or a time machine.. that would be freaking darn cool not to say useful for moments like this..

*Yuen Mei is trying to put things behind*

helpless~~

i feel so helpless~~ certain truth sucks but.. i guess i'd rather know than to be ignorant bout it tho.. it was so predictable even since the beginning.. but.. i guess i was only human.. people really does silly things when they're not rational enough.. not regretting my decisions but still wishing for the ideal outcome..

some people say that life is a piece of cake.. life is a wonderful journey to embark in.. but i guess i've a different view to life eversince stepping foot into the State.. life is just one damn thing over and over.. routine routine and more routines.. probably it's like what certain people say.. life is never fair.. it is just fairer than death, that's all..

not really sure why i'm always flooded with negative thoughts here.. just can't wait to be home for good!!

MAIN GOAL:

FINISH UP MY SUBJECTS AND GRADUATE ASAP!!!

BLESSED EASTER EVERYONE!!!!

may every1 be blessed and merry.. God gave His Son that HE may die for our sins.. how wonderful such love that we take for granted.. may the true meaning of easter prevail within the hearts' of HIS faithful followers at least..

*yuen mei misses Easter celebration back home!*

crossroads

i'm such a disappointment!!!!!!!

i'm so so sorry mum & dad, grandma & every1 who has their hopes in me!!

tht's just my limits.. i can't go any further.. i dun think i would hv done better even if i've studied any more than this.. it's really my best.. guess i'm jz not wut every1 expects.. i was fooled too into believing tht i was better than this.. so much for every1's faith and believe in me.. i dun even wanna start describing how bad i suck.. but for now.. i'm jz sad and guilty tht i've disappointed mum & dad and my family..

i'm so so sorry!!!!!!!!!

what am i to do now?!?! if i retake the subject, i would delay graduation for about 2 quarters.. am i to live with a sucky grade?? it hurts my eye to look at it.. it pains my heart to think tht my intelligence & effort is only worth tht much.. the fact tht i can't live up to people's expectations and my own expectations annoys me!! probably sum1 is jz very rite.. i needa get a life!!!

*lost.. paranoid..*

at wit's end..

finally lost it!!! lost half my mind studying genetics~~ and still screwed up for finals.. who on earth stares at a single paragraph for more than an hour?!?! arghhhh!!!!!!!! guess i'm jz glad is over and done for.. 1 down 2 more papers to go?!?! *sobz* if only i were home i won't be this stressed.. i miss home!!!!!!!!!!!

at the other end of the line...

something jz feels wrong.. doesn't seem right.. i guess it is wrong but.. i'm lost.. i dunno wut to do.. i dun like this!!!!!!! feels like i've totally lost control of my life and wut i'm doin ever since i'm here..

*stress poses all sorts of threat to my state of mind*

EXAMS!!!

FINALS!!!!!!!!!

i'm stressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & i think it's a lil too much to handle.. beyond stressed.. =( *sobz*

~yuen mei's screaming her head off to release tension and stress~

some more random pics~~

once upon a strawberry?!?! =pthe patch of strawberry plants at farmstore next to the university village..

Free strawberry ad?!?!

the siamese strawberry?!?! *lolz*

on the other hand..

hadn't much time to take pictures around campus to show many of u.. so sorry.. will upload more when i snap more?!?! *if i snap more that is.. =p* in the meantime, here are some?

the 'pointy' building!!! or so every1 calls it.. =p

nice nice smelling lavender..

i still miss home!!!!!!

decisions?!?!

am still wondering how would things turn out to be.. some things happen for the better, some just took place coincidentally and some just happens for the worst.. i wonder which will this turn out to be.. in the meantime, i guess i'm happy and comfortable with it.. guess it's really time to let past be past.. living the present without regrets and looking forward to a fruitful future?!?!

*yuen mei's thinking too hard nowadays* ~there goes her brain cells, as if she has any left~ =(

fragments..

some things happened.. i noe they did.. but i just can't remember what.. my memory is so fragmented.. a few screenshots and the rest a blur.. God!!!! guess that's how people who has lost their memories feel.. sighz.. everything seemed like a dream.. both sweet and bitter at the same time.. urgh!!!!!!!!! y do i feel that i don't control my own life??

i miss home!!!!!! nothing bad ever happens to me when i'm home!!!!!!!

i hate my sucky sucky life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

confused..

Am i too insensitive?!?! or am i overly sensitive?!?! how can a person switch from being cold to warm and back to cold in a matter of minutes?!?!? is that even humanly possible?? urgh.. it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me and the way i interpret stuffs..

AND

in the meantime.. midterms, assignments and reports are still driving me nuts!! last week has gotta be the killer week thus far.. 3 more weeks and my long awaited break shall arrive..

*yuen mei's trying to be really patient*

music~~ food to the soul~~

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

Victor Hugo

Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman.

Ludwig Van Beethoven

If music be the food of love, play on.

Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

can't believe i'm saying this but.. i miss my piano!!!!!!!!! i miss my pieces!!!!! i miss the music, the melody, the touch and the ring of my piano.. it has been a part of me for so long that more often than not i've taken it for granted.. frequently expressing my dissatisfaction and dread over how i hated practising day and night for exams.. but now.. i guess there wouldn't be anymore practising or wutsoever.. i haven't been playing the piano for one and a half month now!!! i miss it!!!!!!!!!! guess hitting the piano when i'm stressed is of no use over here.. =(

i miss my piano!!!!

random..

Random pictures eversince i've been in the states.. haven't been taking pictures much..

The ZHI MUIS aka housemates aka the 3 Bs (according to peng chuan =.=")

Other random pictures?!?!

here are some clues as of how my chinese new year went huh.. i miss CNY back home!!!! miss going to homes to pai nian.. hehe.. but anyhow.. i'm glad and thankful for supportive friends here who have been great help to the struggles that i've been through and which i'm going thru..

I MISS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

but.. won't be going back in summer.. but i promise i'll be back end of the year!!