New Beginning, New Life...

Finally the decision hv been made.. sigh.. well, at least something is done & now it's all over with.. so, i started uni life on tuesday which was yesterday, officially.. currently studying in TPM (Technology Park Malaysia).. it's so new & it's super big.. the whole campus covers the grounds of the whole park.. they're so many government & private research companies in there oso.. well, since this uni or academy is newly established & it's a semi government sorta thing, i jz hope tht it's up to par.. but honestly, it's not the academy here tht i'm interested in goin, i'm looking forward to the end of nex year where i'll be continuing my studies in California State Polytechnic University, Pomona.. i'm goin to spend 4 years there.. 2 years studying + 1 year internship + 1 year job placement.. it's so cool tht i'm given an oppurtunity to work in california.. tht totally makes up for the outrageously horrible results i got.. i jz hope i do really well in my degree so tht i'll be able to apply to a well established company there.. at least i'm doin wut i wanted to do.. sigh.. my first choice was supposed to be pharmacies.. but too bad i can't make tht a dream come true cz with my results, i couldn't even get close to realizing this dream.. so, it's biotech, my second choice.. well, even so, i barely scrape through for biotech.. applied for SIT but they offer me food tech instead cz i couldn't make the requirements for biotech.. UCSI offered biotech but it's all local, TPM offered me biotech & it sounds really appealing, KDU offered me a conditional offer to do Biomedic but if i dun do well, they reserve the rights to kick me out.. tht's way too risky.. not tht i would do badly but currently, my confidence & self-esteem is at the lowest, dun think it can go any lower..sigh.. it was a hard decision as my mum really liked SIT & food tech is an interesting course but it's placed 4th in my list.. but it's a twinning to australia, the country which i've alwiz planned to further my studies to.. it's really cool!! but all decisions r ady made.. it's california & i'll be gone for 4 years.. sobz.. it's so far from home.. so far from my family.. how am i goin to survive there on my own?? sobz..

Why oh why?!?!?

Sob.. This has been really a terrible week.. sigh.. i'm gonna start complaining again.. life is jz so dreadful yet i can nvr stop thanking God for all He has done in my life.. STPM results was just released a couple of days ago.. honestly, i really got the shock of my life when i saw my results!!! i was so so freaking disappointed with chemistry & biology.. i could hv so done better.. MANGKUK la!!! i was so speechless when i saw my results.. sobz.. my results really put me no where.. i can't go on with the course i want in Malaysia, at least not fully la.. my parents would most likely hv to send me overseas after my first year here.. i dun wanna leave!!! i'm afraid once i leave i wouldn't wanna come back!! there are too many things & people in Malaysia that i miss & cherish!! wut bout church?? family?? i'll be so alone!!! i'll hv to start everything over.. wut bout the different culture?? i noe i can adapt but i wanna stay!! it's all cz i'm super stupid!! i shouldn't even get results close to the 1 i got.. could've done so much better.. why did You let this happen to me God?? is this part of Your great plan for me?? teach me to have faith in You Lord!! i'm so lost!! i noe i should be getting over my results by now but it's jz not done.. this stupid results is haunting my every single thoughts.. i noe i told myself countless times to not look back & regret on the decisions i've made.. as much i hate saying it, i hate STPM!! it so ruin my whole entire life!! (a lil dramatic but that's how i feel now) sigh.. wut can i do?? where can i go??

Re-entry Stress!!!

Whoa!! This week has been a really tough week!! Who could have thought it would be so hard to settle down after 6 to 7 weeks of Jeremiah School! Honestly, i've been really having it hard.. I feel so lost whenever my family or whenever my friends talk to me.. It's like I'm lost in a world of my own.. I tried to listen & to think & to tune my frequency towards theirs but to no avail.. The more I try the more confused I become.. Sigh.. MYF, MYF.. I'm really proud of my youth group cause it's really a big encouragement to see how all of us grew together spiritually & oso physically of course.. But currently, I just find it a little weird when it comes to communicating with them.. All my mind could think about now is what I've been doing for the past 6 weeks in JS.. Whenever anyone ask about JS, I just can't help talking bout it.. It's good but the problem is I can't stop after that.. sob.. sob.. I really miss those times!! Then there's the youth alpha.. I can't help being worried bout the progress.. There r so few who turned up.. What exactly happened?? We've to really sit down & pray bout it.. If there's anything we can do, is to pray & leave the rest to God.. then there's easter coming up.. oh man!! just thinking bout the work load is freaking me out already.. a musical is really too much.. sorry guyz.. i really can't remember what i suggested but i think we should keep it simple due to the lack of time.. so sorry!! sigh.. results is coming out soon.. i've really no confidence at all.. i noe i did very badly.. but wutever izit, good or bad, i'll give thanks.. then there's the whole uni application thing.. i seriously have no idea where i'm heading.. i've this weird feeling to go into full time ministry & the feeling got stronger when i was in JS.. But i guess like what unc herbie hv been saying, we should study & at least get a degree b4 goin full time.. but still i need to noe my directions.. i'm so lost!! sigh.. i've nvr got good sense of direction.. there r so many choices & so many offers that i could think about.. this makes things even harder for me.. worries.. worries.. worries.. y can't i be the happy-go-lucky girl everyone thinks i am?? y can't i be happy all the time?? i hate it when it comes to decision making!! i hate to be left alone to think bout the worries in life! y can't i be the crazy girl i am all the time?? sigh.. how i wish JS lasted longer so i wouldn't have to come back & think bout wut i have to do.. it's just so sad that all good things always comes to an end.. i think i will go crazy even before uni starts!!

Back Home!!

Now that I'm back from JS, everything seems so different.. I'm having a really hard time adapting to normal life (as in life before JS).. I miss JS so so much!! I miss the big family of 45 we use to have for the pass 7 weeks.. I miss the lessons, the people, the fellowship we had.. JS is just like a dream that has came to an end.. It's like a snap out of fantasy world where everything was perfect.. Now, it's hello to reality, welcome back worries & gudbye perfect life!! There's just so much struggle in trying to cope with the normal work & normal way & style in doing things.. Then there's the youth alpha thing.. honestly speaking, i'm really really exhausted.. i dun even noe if i've wut it takes to lead or to help out for the time being.. i really hope God will help me through this.. JS was really a life changing experience.. It gave me a lot to think about.. It has also left me with a lot of questions which i would most probably not able to answer till the day i die.. but, i've surely grown in terms of spirituality & i noe i'm spiritually more mature now than i was before.. not sure if i'm mature overall.. back in reality, things seems to be more complicated & difficult.. plus, i think i'm diagnosed with a severe case of post-JS-depression syndrome.. i guess it'll take some time for me to get over it.. in the meantime, i guess praying that i'll achieve good result in STPM is something i hv to do.. sigh..